Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
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I found an old photo of 5 yo me in my dad’s boat and on the back he’d written “my pride and joy” and I’m 99% certain he was referring to the boat
Choose your fighter
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
Schrödinger’s Mom: You have to feed the cat
Schrödinger: Or do I?
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
What pharmaceutical advertisements love most:
Slow motion
Flowery meadows
Horrifying side effects
Old people sex
White people making dinner
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
Me: do you want to go out?
Dogs: YES
Me: are you sure?
Dogs: YES MOST SURE
Me: ok
Me: [opens door]
Dogs: [go out]
Me: [closes door]
Dogs:
Dogs:
Dogs: WAIT WAT HAVE U DONE TO US WE DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
4: I need my princess dress NOW!
Me: You heard the lady! GET HER A PRINCESS DRESS STAT!
4: Who are you talking to?
Me: Your servants
4: I don’t have servants
Me: Exactly
My search history at 25:
-best countries to hike
-how much tequila is lethal
-lamborghinis on saleMy search history at 50:
-what does a stroke feel like
-how much ibuprofen is lethal
-most nutritious cat food
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
4 years single just means I have a bachelor’s degree in being alone
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
HO_SE BOAT
I’d like to solve the puzzle Pat, Horse Boat
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
Never debate an idiot. Idiots never know when they’ve lost. That’s one of the reasons they’re idiots.
According to my accountant, I’ll have to postpone my trip to Australia until the continents drift back together.
I deserve an Oscar for my performance of “oh I’ve never tried this before” while getting samples at Costco
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
*Opens Twitter*…..scrolls 4356 tweets….*checks for abs*
[knocks on neighbor’s door]
HI CAN I COME TO YOUR YELLING PARTY
“911 what’s your emergency?” MY WIFE IS BEATING MY KIDS! “Okay. I’ll send the police” *hangs up. OH CRAP I FORGOT TO SAY “AT MARIOKART”
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
The opposite of a meat lover’s pizza is a veggie hater’s pizza, which is weirdly THE SAME THING.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
Making a wreath of all my kids’ lost teeth to hang on my door to ward off solicitors.
Facebook: Please give us access to all of your personal information
Me: Okaaaay, but only if you tell me which Golden Girl I am.