Bacon is my favorite dietary supplement.
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I buy my kids cereal based on which kinds my vacuum cleaner will be able to pick up best.
To ensure my wife misses me while I’m away, I changed her text notification to the sound of a door creaking open & message her at midnight.
the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
Do not apologize for your dog coming up to me because this is exactly what I wanted
Daughter (5): “Daddy your tummy is big and bouncy just like our trampoline”
Me: “Well you’re short and can’t spell chrysanthemum”
If you’re feeling bad about yourself just know that today I awkwardly asked a cashier what they did for a living.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
What’d you do this weekend, Aimee?
*shuts off lights & pulls out flashlight*
*acts out weekend with shadow puppets*
Plot twist a clown family hired a normal guy for their kids birthday party
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
I learned that when dogs lean against you it’s their version of hugging and now every time my dog leans against me my eyes start leaking.
Doctor: Your children are very healthy
Me: Good
Doctor: They’re getting bigger and stronger
Me: I know
Doctor: And they’re going to get even bigger and even stronger
Me: *trembling* I know
[trust fall exercise at work]
CW: *closes eyes, falls, hits floor* OUCH! WTF?! YOU DIDN’T CATCH ME!
M: Sorry, I thought it was optional.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
April showers? Big whoop, so do I.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
Son: what will happen when I die?
Me [lowers newspaper]: there’ll be a lot of left over sandwiches & then we’ll turn your room into a gym
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
*entering first day of prison*
“Are you guys mad at me?”
*holding cardboard sign by intersection*
NOT POOR JUST ON MY WAY TO BREAK DANCING SCHOOL
This guy would have upwards of 50k followers on this site, and his tweets would be absolutely insane
Zoologist 1: we need a name for this
Zoologist 2: how about a deadly sin?
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
some of yall afraid to be corny but i was born on the cob
i was NOT expecting this 😭 watch till the end
[Honest banana advertisement]
Bananas: You’re gonna buy too many
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?