BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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I made a joke about how sweet it is that twenty men I don’t know dm me to ask me how I’m doing and this old dude commented “only 20? Out of 33k?” And like damn that hurt. The rest of you 32,980 better pony up or this old dude is gonna know I’m not sexy 😭
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.
If you’re not supposed to have sex in an elevator, why are the ceilings mirrored?
Now security is showing me out.
[Being Tortured]
Thug: *lights blowtorch* you know what this is for?
Me: Is it… Is it for creme brulee
Thug: *making creme brulee* I heard you were lactose intolerant
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
“This is a robbery! Be cool and nobody gets hurt!”
ME: *starts vaping*
I met a pet turtle at the park and I asked the guy if he brings it there to play on the swings and slides, and he responds: “No ma’am, turtles don’t use swings and slides”, and I can’t believe he called me ma’am
The way your stick figures take up your whole back window tells me you need a bigger car and a class on condoms.
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: No! I have things to do, people to talk to, and I haven’t been outside in 3 days
Netflix: Watch it again
Me: ok
The fact that there ain’t no rest for the wicked is probably why I’m always so tired
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
The “decorative soaps” in my bathroom are glazed donut holes.
“I may have to take you up on that,” I say to a person I will never speak to again.
I just got kicked out of flat earth Facebook group because I asked if the 6 foot social distancing had pushed anyone over the edge yet .
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
Gift cards are another way of saying, don’t spend this on dope.
Just said “shitted feet” instead of fitted sheet in front of my my son and four of his friends.
If you need me, I’ll be in the closet
I’m in shock. I caught my houseghost naked… ironing his sheet.
me: my father went out for cigarettes ten years ago and-
sloth dad: *opening door* forgot my wallet
I need to be locked up… in an ice cream factory.
just gave my 5yo power of attorney
Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
If you think Floyd Mayweather vs. Logan Paul is going to be a big fight, wait until my wife finds out I just spent $50 to watch it.
I’m gonna hire a person to speak at my funeral and say a bunch of crazy stuff about me so my friends and family think I had a secret life.
technically mixed martial arts can include tickle fighting
shout out to the insomniacs, only three more sleeps until halloween