Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp
BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]
BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN
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“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …
But I won’t.
“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”
My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.
The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.
Me: Can we leave? These things take forever
Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents
There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!