@AbbieEvansXO

BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

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@daveexplosm

All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.

@Kryzazy

I thought I saw a spider on the floor…Turns out it was a paper clip.
It’s dead now.
No need to panic.

@A_New_Chapter_

I will not kill my coworkers
I will not kill my coworkers
I will not….

Maybe just one…

@NervousJr

My family is starting to catch on to my “I died” excuse.

@lawking30

I photobombed my pal’s passport photo & now they won’t let him through customs unless I’m behind him waving my hands in the air like a putz.

@truegritrumble

(People Touring My House 50 Years After I Die)
TOUR GUIDE: And over here we found a second secret room ALSO full of bacon.

@daemonic3

“Update your Adobe or you’ll be sleeping with the fishes”

– Flash mob

@david8hughes

Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.

@MrGeorgeWallace

I was fightin’ this daylight savings shit but this morning I planted twelve acres of soybeans and fed the cows. Didn’t even know I had cows but there they were.

@ArfMeasures

Cop: Are you drunk?

Me: um if I was drunk, could I do this?

*stands on one foot*

Cop: ok first of all, ow