BACTERIA 1: [runs toward pizza that has just been dropped on the floor]

BACTERIA 2: [football tackles him to the ground] YOU HAVE TO WAIT FIVE SECONDS SEBASTIAN

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Say what you will about the state of the world, but now feels like a really good time to start marketing my C̶u̶l̶t̶ C̶o̶m̶m̶u̶n̶e̶ Adult Summer Camp


“Heres your social security card, you need it forever! Its made of paper, don’t laminate it. Good luck.”
-The Government


You’d think this moron wandering around the lot would give up after 10 minutes and push the alarm button to find their car …

But I won’t.


“The Mothership has returned. Gather your things and inform the others.”


My doctor said I shouldn’t hug people, admittedly it was 10 years ago when I had the flu but I still use that one.


The people naming dinosaurs should teach the people naming hurricanes how to name stuff.


[kid’s party]

Me: Can we leave? These things take forever

Wife: *harsh whisper* Shut your mouth. Watch our daughter open her presents


There was a time when men expected to be your lover without getting with your friends. That all changed in 1996. Let me tell you a story…


Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices