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@paraicodonnell

I made a book review bingo card. Critics are hailing it as ‘a remarkable achievement’.

@Smooheed

According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch

but I can’t throw my chair at him

@bridger_w

FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”

@junejuly12

Him: I’m so high right now…no one has ever been so high

Me: oh yeah? *whips out a photo of my hair circa 1989*

@joeyfullystated

Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.

@SamGrittner

If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?

@Donnie_Fairburn

DNA doesn’t make you a parent. Stepping on a lego guy on your way to the bathroom at 3 am does

@Browtweaten

Me: I’m really at the end of my rope

Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING

@ThatsSoCorri

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

@Tbone7219

According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight …. So I got that going for me.