My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
A werecoyote can only be killed with a silver anvil.
This year is stressful enough, I refuse to get emails from salad
Interviewer: Please put your kazoo away
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
by age 35 you should have saved enough money to hire someone from the dark web to murder you
Pac-Man gave me very unrealistic expectations about my ability to run away from ghosts.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Qsieowrrtpd
That’s me picking off pieces of quinoa from my iPad
I got drunk and went to an AAA meeting. It didn’t help. There were just a bunch of sober people talking about roadside maintenance.
I told my therapist that I’m a whore. He disagreed and said I’m a people pleaser, so I blew him just to make sure we’re on the same page.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Don’t worry about my probation officer, he just likes to watch.
A life lesson we could all learn from my doggie:
Do NOT pee too close to the cactus.
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
My kids love when I tell them the story of how I became the hide and seek champion. The year was 1995, and I was playing hide and seek with my dad. I went outside and got on the roof. He couldn’t find me. After an hour of looking for me, he called the cops. Yeah… I got spanked.
when your food arrives but you have to wait for everyone else at the table
Spreads legs… Nope
Spreads two other legs …. Nope
Spreads two others …. Dammit, no
Spreads last two…. BINGO!!
– spider sex
I was just shushed.
*sharpening knife*
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
“Does this spark joy?”
[my wife shakes her head as Marie Kondo forcibly removes me from our house]
Shark Week is just another made up holiday to sell more sharks
Once I burned my Trailer down when I left a candle burning after a romantic date. To keep my street cred, I claimed it was a meth explosion.
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.
shut up and take my money
Breaking up with random numbers is my new hobby.