Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@notalogin

Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*

@causticbob

There are 4 stages in life
1)You believe in Santa Claus
2)You don’t believe in Santa Claus
3)You are Santa Claus
4)You look like Santa Claus

@BigJDubz

Wife: please don’t

I look her in the eyes, kiss her delicately and shake my head

Me: somethings are worth fighting for

I slowly stand, catch my breath for a few seconds and start walking towards the buffet bar for the 10th time

@robdelaney

If you see someone over the age of 9 wearing sweatpants, pull them aside & say “Friend, you’re wearing sweatpants.” They might not know.

@Havish_AF

If your dress suddenly turns into rags at midnight while you’re being driven home by a bunch of mice on a pumpkin, you’re not Cinderella, you’re drunk.

@psybermonkey

Exchange student: my village back home still lacks access to clean water

Me: ugh I know how you feel. we’ve needed a Target for like, ever

@Darlainky

Manipulate the interview process by arriving with baked goods.

@TweetPotato314

warden: instead of a last meal you want a movie?

me: yes, a final film

warden: ok, what do you want to watch

me: *smiles wide* the neverending story

[107 minutes later]

me: ok, that’s bullshit

@Cpin42

A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.

@LuvPug

A kiss so passionate you have first degree burns from the melted cheese on the pizza.