Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
my first dose meeting my second
Found 6 cents in the laundry and all I can say is this family better start tipping better if they want fabric softener
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Meanwhile at the drugstore…
What do you mean I can’t drink alcohol with this medication?
You’re not a bartender!
You’re just a pharmacist.
We parents need to stop threatening our kids with a lump of coal. It’s cruel and outdated.
Behave or Santa will break your iPad, kids.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
I never feel more alive than in those 2 seconds between:
Me: “i’m just gonna say it”
and
My Brain: *you’re an idiot
I was going to do some yoga today, but had a donut instead
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
I’m not saying your dumb. I’m saying you’re dumb.
Fun fact: a baby tortoise is called a tortellini.
Did you know we only use 10% of our brains?
“Actually that’s a myth-”
This part is useless
*stabs fork in head*
See? Now florble arble guh
What’s it called when you fall in love with your captors, even if they’re obnoxious little tyrants?
No, no, not Stockholm Syndrome.
Ah, yes… “parenting”
That’s the word.
Cat doesn’t realize if he succeeds in tripping me on the way downstairs to feed him, we all die.
If you’re going to fight, fight like you’re the third monkey on the ramp to Noah’s Ark.
And brother, it’s starting to rain.
Sundresses are made for accidentally flashing construction workers your Cookie Monster underwear.
I had my arm bandaged all day because I got a large tattoo yesterday. So today coworkers were all, “WHAT HAPPENED?”
My answered ranged from “arm herpes” to “sex swing injury.”
A group of owls is called a flight of stares.
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
Invention idea:
Written versions of audio books.
y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
The year is 2057. iPhone 742 is released. The screen touches you.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
I avoid clarified butter because I prefer my dairy products to be troubled and confused.
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
damn girl are you calculus because I have no idea what youre talking about
[First ever date]
ME: I just didn’t feel a spark
CAVEWOMAN: a what?