Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
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I just leaped over a 3ft tall dog gate with the skill and grace of an olympian to get a snack from microwave.
*Adds track star to resume*
15: ‘What’s it like being married?’
Me: ‘Have you seen ‘The Shining’?’
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
“a perfectly placed emoji is better than good punctuation.. ”
said No Teacher ever
Bird of peace?
The doveBird of war?
The hawkBird of true love?
..wait for it…
….
The swallow
*walks offstage
My Christmas shopping will be financed by my swear jar again this year.
business 101 classes:
– touching base
– getting on the same page
– drilling downbusiness 201 classes:
– circling back
– leveraging
– running it up the flagpolebusiness 301 classes:
– using your rich dad’s connections
Recipe: prep 10 mins, bake 30 mins
Reality: prep 2.5 hours, bake 1 hour, order takeout instead.
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
So far this “doctor” has insisted on giving me a haircut and 9 shots for a stomach ache and when I questioned her credentials she called the police on me.
4: *hands me toy phone* Talk to them.
Pretty sure the guy infront of me at McDonald’s ordered the rest of the food.
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
him: I’m gonna kill you
me: oh no
him: with kindness
me: awww
him: kindness is my pet wolf
me: oh no again
A 13 yr old just told me I was cool for an old person. I almost slapped her then she said “you’re like 23, right? I bought her ice cream.
if you take a selfie at a dad’s funeral, his hand will rise up out of the casket and give you bunny ears
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Him [angrily]: You borrowed my car and it’s a mess. McDonald’s wrappers, fries on the floor…
Me: Let me stop you right there, because first of all, I never TOUCH McDonald’s. It’s Wendy’s.
me: ahh vacation
brain: time to relax
me: no work
brain: well it’s still there
me: stop
brain: just… waiting
me: please
brain: g r o w i n g
me: no
I never know how to eat a banana in front of colleagues. To prevent making anyone uncomfortable, I use a knife and fork.
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
Show your neighbor they shouldn’t park their boat outside of their house by filling it with two of every animal.
Whenever I go to Subway, when they ask if I would like my sandwich toasted, I say yes & then I raise my cup of Coke & say, “To my sandwich!”
Turned on some old school rap because I’m the cool dad.
Then I turned it right off because OMG did you know what they were saying?