@girl_a_whirl

Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*

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@joeljeffrey

Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.

@Spaziotwat

[ 9 months BC ]

Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”

@trojansauce

ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne

@BoomBoomBetty

Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.

@haurdCider

Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.

@noog

My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.

@pilau

me: [yawning] might get dressed today

coworkers in zoom meeting: please do

@buttgh0st

[at club]
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
“WHAT?”
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE