Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
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Nothing cuts deeper than an insult with bad grammar and a spelling mistake.
DATING TIP: Surprise your date! Show up a day early.
[ 9 months BC ]
Mary: *changes Facebook status to “it’s complicated”
ALFRED: *wringing out wet birthday party invitation* it’s difficult to read, but i’d hazard a guess at aquaman, master wayne
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
Origami was invented by a young Japanese child trying to hide his report card.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
me: [yawning] might get dressed today
coworkers in zoom meeting: please do
DO YOU WANT TO DO A HUMAN SACRIFICE
[does stabbing and offering motion]
A SACRIFICE, DO YOU WANT TO DO ONE