HER: I’m leaving you
HER: u lie to me constantly
ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber
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Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.
If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.
@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.
Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”
Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”
I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.
whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes
Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.