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HER: I’m leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber


Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.


If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.


@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”


I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.


[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*


Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.


whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes


Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.