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@rockymomax

HER: I’m leaving you

ME: why

HER: u lie to me constantly

ME: ha! u don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula Amber

@fatguythe

Hid my daughters ipod in my other daughters room cause they’ve been getting along lately and there’s nothing on tv tonight.

@jake_lach

If I was antisocial I wouldn’t have just ordered a pizza over the phone.

@givemeyourbagel

@mo87mo87 Very recently sent an email to my manager Mariana, addressing her as marinara.

Also in a separate email written in French, I meant to sign off with “à très vite” meaning “see you soon”

Instead I wrote “à très bite” which roughly translates to “very dick”

@raysofdezi

I’m from Texas, where “Let me call you right back” means enjoy the rest of your day.

@squirrel74wkgn

[cat mom giving birth]

Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*

@david8hughes

Welcome to lion taming club, please take a seat. Good, now bring it with you. It is your primary weapon.

@seamussaid

whenever the police put a mannequin in a squad car to slow traffic, I strategically place mannequins around town committing crimes

@1evilidiot

Just heard the phrase naturally boneless chicken and that’ll keep me awake tonight.