My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
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Me (to my husband): That’s not where that goes.
Husband: At work, we have a saying: Is it wrong or is it different?
Me: It’s wrong.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
When you go to therapy they should get to ask three people in your life what your problem is before you start.
I think my dog just OD’d on lightening bugs. I didn’t even know that was a thing. Please teach your pets about bug addiction
#Caturday
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Me: How much for the doggy in the window
Store Employee: That’s Karen. She works here
I need my shit together like those people who match their wrapping paper to their Christmas tree.
Who gets the job of writing the fortunes in the cookies?
I want that job. I could really screw with some people.
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
How much fast food do I need to eat before I’m fast?
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
Ladies, if all he does is make you cry then maybe you’re dating an onion and not a man.
dutch so unserious
Him: So tell me a little about yourself.
Me: But this was going so well…
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
They say women only use 10% of their anger
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
I look after you all day, cook all your meals and clean the whole house, but dad builds one lego thing and he’s the hero?
Actually that lego is pretty impressive, and if I’m honest I didn’t clean the whole house
[In bed, finished watching rerun of “24”]
Me: Let’s role play. I’ll be Jack and you be a Russian operative.
Wife: Yes! But I want you to talk dirty to me.
Me [turning out the lights]: The following takes place between 10:00pm and 10:03pm
if your name is Christy and you’re fighting a custody battle in Orlando. fire your lawyer bc I found your whole case file at the bar last night.
If I got arrested I’d ask for one tweet instead of a phone call because none of my friends answer their goddamn phones.
‘Pizza toppings. Go.’
-Me, speed dating.
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
My gf 1 month in: haha OMG I love your Twitter. I definitely don’t think it’s weird, it’s so clever!
My gf 2nd month: listen