Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

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[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]


In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.


Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶


The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.


As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.


Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones



My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.


Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?


My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair