@audipenny

Bad credit? No credit? First time buyer? First time baby? No legs? 8 legs? You a spider? Are you a Spider trying to buy a house?

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@TheRobCee

[labels account “18+”]

[tweets exclusively about voting & buying cigarettes legally]

@MooseAllain

In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.

@OhNoSheTwitnt

Imagine if Iron Man could do whatever an iron can. 🎶 Flattens shirts, with his heat. Gives your slacks a nifty pleat. 🎶

@_troyjohnson

The entire world is the kid in the back seat asking are we there yet. Politicians are the parent saying “soooo close” and scientists are the honest parent.

@Mekellie

As I see it, the act of lovemaking should be sacred, caring, and worth the 200 bucks I charge for it.

@TheSanch14

Boss: why do you deserve this promotion?

Me: goes into very in depth pointless rant

B: what drugs are you on?

Me: good ones

*leaves*

@krisv_723

My neighbor threw away a stair lift. Unrelated, I can now go from my couch to the bathroom without walking.

@heyitsJudeD

Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?

Me: party?

@heysarahsweeney

My husband is suddenly showering everyday, so I assume he’s having an affair