@SaveItForFest

Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

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@LADaddy

The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.

@ADDiane

Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.

@Sickayduh

[First date]
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?

@OneTrickTofani

WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that

SHERLOCK: nah

@Tayl0rBr00ks

A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.

@realHamOnWry

Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.

@boring_as_heck

I’ll take “That’s Not A Category” for $200, Alex.
“That’s not a category.”
Yes, that’s right.
“That’s not a category.”
I chose that, yes.

@Fred_Delicious

“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”

@good2go013

Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.