Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved

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The person who came up with “happily ever after” probably didn’t realize humans would live longer than 34 years.


Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.


[First date]
Her: I’m really glad you asked me out yesterday in the park
Me: *looking under table* you didn’t bring your dog?


WATSON: do you even have a proper education?

SHERLOCK: Elementary, my dear Watson

WATSON: but, like, beyond that



A bald guy in a turtleneck sweater looks 97% like a roll-on deodorant.


Tattoos are like babies. You don’t dare tell the truth and say they’re ugly.


I’ll take “That’s Not A Category” for $200, Alex.
“That’s not a category.”
Yes, that’s right.
“That’s not a category.”
I chose that, yes.


“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”


Canada has seasons:

Almost winter, winter, still winter, and construction.