Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
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My husband has forbidden me to go to Costco when I’m hungry. I don’t understand. How hard is it to eat 47 rotisserie chickens?
{concert}
lead singer: WHO’S READY TO ROCK?!
me (from the pit trying to clean my glasses with the front of my shirt) JUST A SEC
Having a kid means knowing when she asks to watch Mr. Handsome, she means The Little Mermaid.
wife: what the hell?
me: that’s…
wife: don’t do it
me: just…
wife: i mean it
me: how…
wife: i’m warning you
me: they…
wife: STOP
me: roll
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.
Never seen a man cry like that before.
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
Good morning
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
“I should probably start filling this thing out.”
-I say about my son’s baby memory book on his wedding day.
Fluffy towels that don’t absorb anything but just move water around on your body are the devil’s handiwork.
ALADDIN: I can show you the world
ME: I’ve seen enough
Follow me on Instagram if you want to see me post absolutely nothing for weeks
[enter password]
ForrestGump
[password not strong enough]
ForrestGumpAfterHeGrewThatSweetBeard
Twitter: your jokes suck
Instagram: your face sucks
Snapchat: your life sucks
Facebook: your family misses you and is also racist
Relationships are like houseplants, if they’re mine they die
Why don’t we ever talk about how there were aquariums EVERYWHERE in the ’80s. You couldn’t buy socks in a department store without seeing at least 40 tropical fish.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
[framing store]
SALESPERSON: how can I help you
ME: make it look like my wife did a murder
Shoutout to my dog for ensuring we can enjoy the crunchy, colourful autumn leaves inside the house too
Think I accidentally left a ‘do not disturb’ sign on my personality and haven’t had a ‘good morning’ message since 2020
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK
Promises made to get to a toilet is who you really are
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years