BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

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A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.


Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant


[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff


if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off


It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.


“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.


How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?