IM CRYING AT HIS REPLY
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Rat warning in Hong Kong is the best rat warning of all time.
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about shit ….?
*At funeral*
“Your Mom is so fat”
I said eulogy, not roast.
“oh right, I’m sorry. Your mom WAS so fat…”
cant wait for y’all to be released from the shackles of birthday dinners
When people ask me why I’m “confined” to a wheelchair, it makes it sound like a prison sentence. I want to say something like, “I ate too many free samples at Costco. I’ll be out in seven months.”
*me, at the bank, mouth agape, looking around in child-like wonderment*
so, this is where my twelve dollars lives
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Wife text from work on Easter. “Happy Easter” quick reply as joke “I’m going to grind on you so hard” opens text.Was group family text.truth
Chemistry teacher: Did you know that protons have mass?
Me: I didn’t ever know they were catholic
Teacher: 😐😐😐
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
You’re in a room with a murderer and someone who makes sandwiches with the crust end of the bread and you have 1 bullet. Who do-
“Bread guy”
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.
my mom has been using 💦 to describe crying and when I told her to stop it, she made me tell her why and now it’s so quiet in here.
The toughest part of dating a doctor would be how they’re always 45 mins late for dates because the 7 dates they had before yours went long.
My weight loss plan is going so disastrously I’m giving serious consideration to getting a cannibal involved.
I’m rubber, you’re glue. He’s scissors, she’s a toner cartridge, those fellas are paperclips. Welcome to the supply closet pal.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.
Got kicked out of karate class for kicking people out of karate class
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
Eats one handful of popcorn. Spends next 4 years flossing.
I just switched my phone to airplane mode and a small child appeared and started kicking me in the back.
Only short people can save us