@Brampersandon_

BAD GUY (hiding in my back seat): *strangling me to death*

ME: *choking but still embarrassed he heard me singing that shania twain song*

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@AbbyHasIssues

A group of crows is called a murder.

A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.

@MummsThaWord

Kids want a dog, told em I can only keep 4 things alive, them & the plant. If we add a dog something will die & I cant be sure its the plant

@MatCro

[French restaurant]

DANIEL: Promise me, not again

MIYAGI: Promise. [raises hand] Garcon?

[waiter comes]

D: Don-

M: [waves hand] Garcoff

@KeetPotato

if you walk up to a british policeman and play the benny hill music he legally has to chase you until you turn it off

@iRowlf

It’s pretty rude how they’ll kick you out of the hospital just for using a defibrillator to make a grilled cheese sandwich.

@CantWaitToNap

“Lethal Weapon” is my favorite movie about how to fix a dislocated shoulder.

@ScorpionDong

How many DUIs does Tony Hawk have that he has to ride everywhere on a skateboard?