@DangOlWill

*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars

You Might Also Like

@spcycucumber

Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like

@MelvinofYork

I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.

@CanadianBeave13

I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.

@tarashoe

oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere

@CallMe_Dimps

Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”

@Snarfernini

You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.

@beccalynward

Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”

@PleaseBeGneiss

My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there