*Bad guy in pokemon voice* i want to end all life *after losing a fight* well fair’s fair here’s twenty dollars

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Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like


I saw a lady at work today doing “breathing exercises” and realized for the first time how lucky I was that breathing came naturally to me.


I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.


oh i’d definitely choose flight over invisibility. i’d fly everywhere! to the living room, the bedroom. back to the living room. everywhere


Every time my sexual partner changes positions or stops for a second I respond with “recalculating…”


You’re nice, cute & single?
Can you introduce me to your friend who looks like he’d never return my texts? Yeah the one with the girlfriend.


Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”


My kid just caught me making the stupidest fucking face for no reason other than I am losing my damn mind but he’s six so I just looked him dead in the eye and said “no one will believe you” and then moonwalked into into his brother who I didn’t see standing there