The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
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*drops cheese*
You: Five second rule!
Pet owners: lol
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
Some creepy guy with a mustache is running on the treadmill next to me at the gym…never mind, it’s a mirror.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
We do these things not because they are easy. We do these things because we thought that they might be easy.
All I want is for my kids to have a good sense of humor. They don’t have to be funny, just need to be able to recognize how hilarious I am.
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
Booked an escape room but just to get away from everyone… no plans of escaping, they’re gonna have to kick me out
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Like boxes of shit in your house? Get a cat.
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
just went to my first ever LA kids birthday party and two of them were named Monserrat and Wolf
[Ouija board starts shaking and screeching]
Me: hold on I gotta take this
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
do what now??
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
I’m not above selling your kidney or my oldest child for a phone charger. I mean, if it came down to it. Not just like for fun.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
fly smarter, not harder
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
All I want for Christmas is a domesticated raccoon that wants to eat lasagna with me & go on quirky adventures. It would also be nice if the raccoon could do magic but I understand that is asking a lot and therefore, it is not required.
dad: “what’s that nice french place we went to called again?”
me: “france?”
dad: “that’s the one”
I eat the fries that are loose at the bottom of the bag first. That’s what they get for trying to escape.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.