Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.

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No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”


doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off


I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed


a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men


My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.


Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.


getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand


[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever


[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]