@rodimusprime

Bad guys gotta have a meeting and decide once and for all Liam Neeson’s family is off limits.

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@KDonhoops

No internet for 11 hours. I’ve written two novels, lost 15 pounds, and forgotten how to pronnounce “gif.”

@climaxximus

doctor: describe your average night

me: they wear suits of armor

doctor: no I mean at bedtime

me: they probably take it off

@abbycohenwl

I moved to LA with nothing but the shirt on my back. No pants & I couldn’t figure out how to get the shirt on my front. Soon I was jailed

@ermahgarton

a big congratulations to all the big baseball men for not closing their eyes when the ball was coming towards them, good job men

@Kryzazy

My rapper name would be “Lil’ Panic Attack”.

@DurtMcHurtt

Mom’s car ran out of coolant and now it’s driving like a humongous nerd.

@rantingmd

getting sick of watching movies where johnny depp dresses like a hobo. I blame him for russel brand

@upsidedowntrash

[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™

CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.

M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever

@Ygrene

[I go to Hell and everything appears to be virtually identical to Earth]

“Well this isn’t so bad”, I say

[I immediately notice that my voice sounds exactly like I do on a tape recorder]