if your ears are burning that means someone is talking about you, and they’re talking to an emergency dispatcher BECAUSE YOUR EARS ARE ON FIRE.
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[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Q: What’s the safest place to be during a North Korean missile strike?
A: The place they are aiming at.
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
Cat is stressing him out.
✌🏽
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
Ever notice how crickets can be ventriloquists? You think you’ve figured out where they are in the house only to hear that they’re somewhere behind you.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
this is my brain when people are trying to explain card game rules to me:
Don’t be mean to people. With the way the economy is going, you might have to eat those people and your anger is just going to make their meat all stressed out and stringy. Choose love.
As my cheeseburger and fries arrived, the woman next to me told the bartender she’s absolutely starving, and then asked for a glass of champagne, 2 olives and a fork.
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
FOR THE LAST TIME, MY EYES ARE UP HERE
I yelled at my gynecologist
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
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A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Why aren’t therapists on call? What, am I supposed to just wait a week to tell a medical professional that I’m suspicious of people in hats??
Average Guy: [writes her a song]
Girl: “Yeah, whatever.”Hot Guy: “Sup.”
Girl: “Oh my god, you’re so creative!”
Side Effects May Include: upset stomach, diarrhea, a tail, some hooves, ok so you might turn into a horse
Trying
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.
*phone rings*
Menacing voice: ‘Have you checked the children?’
Me: ‘Could you do it?’
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen