@Alex_Houseof308

[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]

Bad guy: He’s coming

Henchmen: Who?

Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga

Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him

Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea

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@KevinFarzad

Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.

@Marlebean

I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?

@rolldiggity

Fun Game:
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”

@Tylerosis

When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?

@knot_eye

Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?