Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
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Sometimes u see the moon during the day and it’s like, wow, how embarrassing. Showed up early because you were bored? Get a life, nerd moon.
I don’t mean to sound racist, but why do all Chinese food takeout boxes look the same?
I’m at that age where all of my sentences start like this one.
“Hi?” -First cow being milked
1. Glue dark sunglasses to all pigeons in a park.
2. Poke stranger on the shoulder.
3. Whisper, “I think we’re being watched…”
When you have this song stuck in your head, is it just your mind playing tracks on you?
This dude got his own movie?
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?