Her: I like a man who’s environmentally aware
Me *pointing at the sky*: That’s a cloud
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NO…I don’t “make plans” because plans suggest INTENT…
…which is typically the distinction between second & first degree convictions.
[on a first date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re really a squirrel…
Her: I had a great time, good night!
Me: *runs in front of her car
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Bring your kids to work day was a huge success. One of the children fixed our server.
Cop: *with my license* says here you’re supposed to wear glasses
Me: I have contacts
Cop: I don’t care who you know, put your glasses on
Good Flirts: I’m enjoying getting to know you and don’t want it to stop.
Better Flirts: I’m trying so hard not to kiss you right now.
Me Flirting: Did you know, according to NASA, 1993’s Jurassic Park is the 7th most scientifically accurate film ever made?
Marathon Winner: Finishes a 26-mile marathon in under 2 hours.
Me: Walks up stairs using all fours.
To cut a long story short, play your audiobook on triple speed.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
God created childbirth so women could know how men feel when we have a cold.
Pro tip:
Don’t ever ask rhetorically; “what is wrong with me?” in front of your wife. I did this two days ago.
She’s still telling me.
Diet Tip: If you throw a raisin into your pint of ice cream, it becomes a healthy snack.
I was led to believe there’d be secret missions, stamps in my passport and fancy galas.
Got dragged to a Sarah McLachlan concert…came home with 7 dogs, 3 cats and a ferret.
some guy at this bar in cork asked me where i was from and i was like “oh i live in new york.” and he was like “oh have you heard of 9/11?”
The best things about being a liar are my insane body, perfect skin and being a billionaire
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
A poster with a mugshot saying “Have you seen this man”
So I rang up and said No.
You have to do your bit for society .
Waiter: would you like a lobster bib
Me: [imagining how tiny and cute that would be] obviously
damn boy, are you Comic Sans? because I cannot take you seriously
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
I was an aspiring ninja until the ankle cracks made it impossible.
Cop: So you admit it, you murdered all three real estate agents. Where are the bodies?
Me: *indicating on map* Location, location, location
Me: I’ll take a vodka straight up please.
Starbucks barista: Ma’am, this is Starbucks.
Me: Ok one venti iced vodka.
Me when the waiter asks if there’s room for dessert
a woman wished me a “happy resurrection” today except i forgot what day it was so i got a little worried for a minute