The name CONstitution sounds so negative. Since ‘pro’ is the opposite of ‘con’ we should call it prosti….. oh wait.
[Bad guys in John Wick movies be like]
Bad guy: He’s coming
Bad guy: John Wick, baba yaga
Henchmen: He’s just one guy boss, we can take him
Bad guy: You fools!!! Before John Wick visited Israel on a mission, the Dead Sea used to be called the alive sea
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me: excuse me sir, what kind of wine is this
sommelier: [pretentious af] it’s merlot
me: excuse me merlot, what kind of wine is this
I get it crossfitters, if I did that I’d be angry, too.
COUPLE: *rides off into the sunset*
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: nope
Yeah, I’ve got that Sexy Librarian thing going on. Except I’m not sexy. Or a librarian. I would like you to keep it down though.
If Spider-man’s powers came from a radioactive spider, the spider could have bitten and altered any other animal and I don’t want to live in a world with spider-wolves. I just don’t.
The average person swallows 30-50 feral hogs in their sleep every year.
COP: the word booty is painted all over ur neighbor’s house
ME: that’s awful
COP: he has video of the culprit
ME: that’s even worse isn’t it
Internal monologue during wedding vows: *Did she just say ‘resistance is futile’?*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers