Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
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How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I’d grill your cheese.
~me, flirting
I once found a deflated “Get Well Soon” balloon in a graveyard and there’s never been anything more representative of the human condition.
What’s that thing called where every time you stand up you have to limp for the first minute? Oh yeah…39
July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*
Note to self: always read the final line
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Vampires have to scroll forever to get to their birth year
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
Jeez, try to cash in the “one free back rub” coupon your high school girlfriend gave you on your 15th birthday and her husband gets all apoplectic.
There was no expiration date, Carl.
God: Basically u just chill.
Cow: Nice.
God: I mean, at first.
Cow: …then?
God: Then people murder u to eat ur insides & wear u as a coat.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I’m the racecar, sometimes I’m the iron.
But usually I’m a peanut because I’ve lost all the game pieces.
‘I have a ripe avocado at home’ is my favorite excuse for cancelling plans
Wife: I’ve blisters on my hands from the broom.
Me: Take the car next time!
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
Uh oh…
Fine I’ll bite, what’s this sex thing everyone keeps talking about?
Him “You run like a gazelle.”
Me “I’m graceful?”
Him “No. You’d be easy prey for a mountain lion.”
Phone
Me: OWWW *sudden commotion*
Person: What?! What’s HAPPENING?
Me: A spider bit me
P: What kind?
Me: The dead now kind.
Anytime someone loses something in the office HR doesn’t ask if anyone’s seen it, they just send out an email that says “Give it back Josh”
Don’t hate the game, hate the player who keeps sending you Facebook invites to play the game.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
Directions on tooth whitener say avoid coffee, red wine and cola. If I could do that, why would I need whitener?
My dad owned a convenience store when I was a kid and he would give me the keys to Ms. Pac-Man so I could play for free.
Let me tell you the drunk-with-power feeling that was for a 10 yr old pushing that credit button. I’ve been chasing that high ever since.
We are all damned fools. He tried to warn us, but we didn’t have ears to hear.
Now all I can see is that horrific smile. That knowing gaze born of higher-knowledge which says, “It is too late.”
The Papa John’s Day of Reckoning has come.
#coronapocalypse
#QuarantineAndChill
Some hipsters were camping next to me and asked for help starting a fire.
So, I chased one around until his corduroys burst into flames.