Bad hair day 429: I no longer look as though I’ve been electrocuted, but the birds, so, so many birds
You Might Also Like
I’m smoking, skyping, putting on makeup, tweeting and I haven’t spilled 1 drop of my beer. I’m the best driver ever.
(pretending to be well-read to impress a girl)
War and Peace? Yeah I loved that one
“What was your favorite part?”
I’d have to say the Peace
Who called it Thanksgiving and not the Nightmare before Christmas?
Hey Alaska wilderness show person who is about to freeze to death with no hope in sight, maybe just cuddle up with the crew filming you…
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
The horror:
“Come on, I’ll introduce you to everyone”.
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Hey girl, did it hurt? Did it hurt when you had to use your fingernails to rip through the dense layers of sediment on your way up from Hell
Intermittent fasting between breakfast and lunch then again between lunch and snack time. Then, you guessed it, between snack time and dinner then one more time between dinner and my late night beer and cheese tray. Just being healthy, I’m a health nut now
“OH MY SWEET GOD BE CAREFUL. OH- OH MY DEAr LORD GOD. HOW? HOW??” -me watching gymnastics
me: correct me if I’m wrong-
the internet: sir, we will correct you even if you’re right
when mom throws a party…
[Opens hand sanitiser]
SUbmiT YoUr SOuL
tO EternAL HeLL fiRe
[closes lid]
wtf?
[looks at label]
LINDA YOU BOUGHT HAND SATANISER AGAIN
COP: Can you describe the bear that attacked you?
ME: Less huggable than you’d think
My Mom says since I’m 33 years old she no longer has to watch me do sweet cannonballs at the pool. That’s total bullshit.
How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
I work like this:
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
Not hungry
I WILL PUNCH A HORSE FOR HIS FEED BAG AND EAT YOUR BABY FOR DESSERT.
Too full.
Imagine getting your card declined at an exorcism and having them put all of your demons back.
Me (sniffling, blubbering): and then he told me to give him my lunch money
Manager: Is this true
Waiter: I just gave him the check
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
Cocktail shrimp is just regular shrimp in a little black dress.
Is there a bravery award I can nominate my son for as he managed to eat his toast despite the fact I cut it wrong.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
Her: How does she always know we’re taking her to the vet?
Him: I don’t know. Keep looking.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
[Meeting]
*Gestures to pie chart* “Now as you can see this chart is not nearly as delicious as it sounds.”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that