@bigbrez100

Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

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@sixfootcandy

Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.

@Angibangie

GOD: How many animals left to make?

ANGEL: 2

G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT

@simoncholland

My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.

@tastefactory

People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.

@TheHyyyype

friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil

[earlier]

the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal

@TripleFlip66

[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’

@GrimReaperInc

Men: We’ll never understand women.

Women: We’ll never understand men.

Dogs: We’ll never understand cats.

Cats: We’ll never understand dogs.

Raccoons: We’ll never understand why you’re throwing out all this great garbage.

@yonewt

Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.