Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
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When it comes to eating sandwiches, I am the anticrust.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
Youngest cried because Tooth Fairy was in the house while we were sleeping and I can’t argue with her logic regarding intruders.
ok i’ve proved i’m not a robot now you prove you’re not a human
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
I have never ONCE dropped a roll of toilet paper without it dramatically unrolling half of itself
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
A blue whale is so big, that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be cancelled.
#BasketballDay #RubbishJokes
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
I’m doing the vacuuming..
It doesn’t need doing but it’s a legitimate way of annoying the kids
Krampus.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.
my 8yo’s friend came over wearing a Guns-n-Roses t-shirt
me: cool shirt, one of my favorite bands when I was younger
him: yeah it’s my grandma’s favorite band
if you’re hiding from a deranged killer and forget to put your phone on silent, at least make the ringtone the benny hill theme.
Lional Richie let the world know that he played no active role in raising babies or toddlers when he released the song, “Easy Like Sunday morning.”
bank robber: everyone against the wall. this is a hostage situation
me, a person extremely susceptible to stockholm syndrome: [tries to hold robber’s hand] hey
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
ME: thanks for “showing me the ropes” lol
SAILING INSTRUCTOR: you’re not even making a joke sailing is literally where that comes from
Literally infuriating seeing so many people still going out to pubs. I came here for a quiet drink!
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
Someone once told me “If you love something, set it free”. I told them not to mind about those noises coming from the basement.
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag