Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..

Worse: It was in her handwriting…

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Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.


GOD: How many animals left to make?


G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?

A: 1

Flying Squirrel: Dibs!

Penguin: WHAT


My wife and I are 3 weeks in on researching and discussing air fryers and if it is worth losing the counter space. Middle age Christmases are wild.


People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.


friend: how’d you get all that money?

me: i made a deal with the devil


the devil: $30k for the car, final offer

me: ok deal


[crouches down]
[rubs earth between fingers]
‘The pizza went that way ..’


Men: We’ll never understand women.

Women: We’ll never understand men.

Dogs: We’ll never understand cats.

Cats: We’ll never understand dogs.

Raccoons: We’ll never understand why you’re throwing out all this great garbage.


Is it that you think I can’t eat this rotisserie chicken with my bare hands while driving 75 mph, or that I won’t?
Either way, you’re wrong.