Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
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media: how to watch tonight’s super blue moon
me: look up at the sky???
Me: Forever young!
Persistent middle age chin hair: lol nope.
Muscle pulled when reaching for the tv remote: hahaha.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
A man walked by me at the grocery store and said, “are you talking to the soup cans?” And I was like, “sorry, soup cans, I have to answer this idiot.”
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
Me: [plunging toilet] “Damn it, You kids are using entirely too much paper!”
7yo: “I don’t even wipe so I’m out of this.”
Can’t believe no one told me that cows can’t walk down stairs. Now I’m stuck with all these attic cows.
Me:Siri, why don’t I have any friends?
Siri:*shows me my Google search history*
M:Good call.
Police: THIS IS THE POLICE! OPEN YOUR DOOR NOW!!!!!!
Me: Not with that attitude.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I think if someone said they could read my mind, I’d be like “I am truly sorry!”
Police – they really trashed your house, anything missi-
Me – hmmm? No, this is how it always looks
I’m a lover, not a fighter. So if anyone is giving you trouble and you need me to have sex with them, I’m your man.
I keep a length of dental floss inside my perpetually furrowed brow.
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
When a mom hears the words
“Mom, don’t be mad…”
We either think you spilled your drink or committed armed robbery, there is no in between.
“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
St-t-t-t-top! Stamm-mm-m-m-mm-m-mer t-t-t-time!
After Captain America was thawed from the ice, his first encounter with a Japanese-American must’ve been really awkward.
A “why working from home is bad” guest column, but from a guy who has clearly cased your house, and is waiting for the chance to rob you during the day
Lied on my resume and said I could code. Boss asked me to take on a project. I paid a guy in Karachi $80 to do it overnight, then told my boss it would take a month.
We’ve done this four times now.
My 3yo niece wants dead grapes.
Raisins, she wants raisins.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.