[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?
Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Bad is accidently sending your buddy a dirty sext intended for your girlfriend.
Worse is getting ‘lemme think about it’ for a reply.
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Every picture I’ve seen of Neil Patrick Harris the last ten years has been of him adjusting his shirt cuffs. He needs better shirts.
[making money] Ugh this is boring and awful. But at least spending it will be nice!
[spending money] Ah no this feels bad also
DOCTOR: It’s important that you to get enough D at your age.
ME: That’s really sweet but I’m married.
DOCTOR: I meant-
ME: Please stop embarrassing yourself.
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Here’s the $3 million, thanks again for this, be sure to send pictures.
Kidnapper: Wait, don’t you want your kids back?
Willy Wonka: You don’t seem very impressed by all this
Me: When you said I could see your chocolate lab I was expecting a dog
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
“What should we call our matches?”
“I dunno, something normal”