My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
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Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
the council will decide your fate
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Not sure if my toddler goes to daycare or a disease-of-the-month club
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
Today, i tried to run with a mask on, but i couldn’t.
It reminded me of those times when i tried to run without a mask and still couldn’t.
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
We’d been planning on using the $1.3 million from Jeopardy to buy a house, but now I’m thinking maybe I’ll just hold on to it for a year or two and then use it to buy Twitter
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
Why the plus or minus on the pregnancy test, ept? How about a simple yes or no and we’ll decide if that’s positive or negative.
[on a movie date]
me: wanna kiss
date: no thanks
me: *turning to the other person next to me* what about u
I USED VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO TODAY AND NOW I CAN’T STOP SHOUTING!
What’s the opposite of mentos?
Lady fingers.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Gonna start posting empty plates on Instagram with the caption “this was really good”
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
I wish my doctor would put down a little treat to distract me like my vet does for my dog.
COP: Do u know why I pulled u over?
ME: *looks at the penguin in my passenger seat* God damnit Ralph I told u to put ur seatbelt on.
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Don’t let herpes become yourpes.
[interview after finishing last in the olympics]
do you regret saying “I could win this race wearing flip flops”
[pulls mic close] yes
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Him: Wanna bump uglies, baby?
Me: Ooh, yes please!* Grabs two ugly people and starts smacking them against each other. *
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
[Blue whale documentary]
This monster can eat 40 million fish in a day.Whale looking directly into the camera: Yeah I’m kind of a foodie.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
my mother: you should still take a sweater just in case