Bad joke of the day:
What did the finger say to the thumb?
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I’m in glove with you.
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*playing hide & seek with my group*
5: I’m only going to count to ten
Me: why?
5: because I haven’t grown more fingers yet
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
Me: *covers up with fleece blanket*
Wife: *rips it off me* This is for the cats
I don’t sweat Friday13. I’m not superstitious. I just take off to a nice quiet cabin in the woods, slaughter a pack of teenagers, then chill
HIM: isn’t wintertime just so romantic
ME (smiles & my lips crack open & blood starts pouring down my chin): oh definitely
learn just enough tap dancing just to tap dance out of the room when you win an argument
What if the brown ones are just clear M&M’s
If stores want to accurately display clothes for people over 40 the mannequins should be laying on a couch after 5PM.
Pre school teacher: here’s your kids artwork
Me: it’s got glitter on it
PST:
Me: STOP SENDING GLITTER-COVERED ART HOME OR I’LL CALL THE POLICE
PST: I don’t think the police-
Me: GOOD DAY TO YOU SIR
It hurts when someone you love says mean things like, ‘Mom, wake up’ and ‘Mom, you need to get out of bed and make breakfast’
[uncovering pottery shards on an archaeological dig] Wow, people sure were clumsy a long time ago.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Cop: Sir…
I know, I know. Why is my dog dri-
Cop: WHY IS YOUR DOG DRIVING
I threw the ball too far during fetch
Cop: Fair enough
[sitting up to eat my ice cream] I feel my core getting stronger already
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
“Is the library open today?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t close for Columbus Day?”
“We do not.”
“I think it would be appropriate to do something to honor Christopher Columbus.”
“You could announce that you’re going to come to the library but then accidentally go somewhere else instead.”
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
I’ll bet the first ever drive thru window resulted in an incredible amount of broken glass.
a fairly underrated BARBIE joke is when someone calls her a fascist, and when she’s crying about it she says, “I don’t control the railways!”
movies are BACK
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
I mainly get my exercise by awkwardly running to doors when people hold them open for me
going door to door asking “have you seen my son? well can i at least have some candy?”
BOSS: that wraps up our meeting. does anyone have anything to add?
COWORKER WHO HAS NOTHING TO ADD: i have something to add
How to pick up a girl in a club:
1. Stare at her
2. Walk up to her
3. Shout stuff