[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
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*flirting poorly at the grocery store*
me: so do you eat food often?
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
First person to shoot fish in a barrel: I don’t even know how to describe how easy this is
Trojans: oh cool guys it’s that giant horse we ordered off Amazon
Greek soldiers: [quietly] lmao
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
the only bumper sticker ill allow
By the age of 35, you should have seen off the threat of redundancy by using your control of your employer’s social media account to secure a pay increase.
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
People who think only God can judge them have obviously never met my mother-in-law.
Walmart: Did you find everything you were looking for?
Me: Well, I couldn’t find-
W: *finger to my lips* Shhh! I don’t actually care.
I like my coffee so strong that it fails a drug test.
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
I put too much ketchup on my plate, so obviously I have to get more French fries. Balance must be achieved.
Me: are you ready?
Husband: yes
Me: great, I got myself and the kids ready and everything’s packed up and we’ll actually be on time if we leave right this second, let’s get in the car-
Husband: okay, just need to hop in the shower real quick
[A giraffe walks into a scarf shop]
*The managers eyes turn into dollar signs*
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Crossing guard: *motioning for me to walk* go ahead
Me: but there’s a lot of cars coming
Crossing guard: *looks at me eating a burrito sideways* nah, you’re good
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA