This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.
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Being iced in for 2 days gave me the opportunity to get so much housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Salesperson: Hi ma鈥檃m can I help you?
Me: Yes, I am looking for a kitchen table.
Salesperson: Ok, but why are there 4 baskets of laundry behind you?
Me: I have to make sure my laundry fits on it before I buy the table. Duh.
The police have just found my stash of ceremonial chairs in my transparent garden potting shed. Just goes to prove…
People in glass houses shouldn鈥檛 stow thrones
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
My day planner
1. Wake up
2. Eat
3. Wait to eat
4. Eat
5. Wait to eat
6. Eat
7. Wait to sleep
8. Sleep
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor
I recycle jokes because I care about the environment, Samantha.
mm/dd/yyyy is a cursed date format
My greatest fear is that I’ll somehow get involved in a rumble between two rival gangs and my ability to snap fingers on cue will fail me
Me: Have you tried turning it off and on again?
Helicopter pilot: …no.
Don鈥檛 be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Woke up to 5:15am phone reminder telling me I need to set my alarm for 8am. Thanks last night drunk self. This is why we don’t have friends.
Still laughing about that one year my wife sold her legs to buy me gloves for Christmas, and I sold my hands to buy her pants.
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
After 20 years of marriage, my wife still makes me smile. Usually at family gatherings where she threatens me if I don鈥檛 look happy.
馃槀馃槀
[phone w/ fianc茅]
Hey, I can still pick whatever suit I like for the wedding right?
“As long as its black, why?”
*wearing batsuit* No reason
i鈥檓 in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
“Is this the fifth one?”
– me, drunk, watching Jurassic park in Spanish
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Summer is the best because there鈥檚 always a chance I鈥檒l see someone trip on their own flip flop
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Doctor: Can you point to where it hurts
Me: [gestures wildly towards The News]
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Me: Don鈥檛 touch your face until you鈥檝e put hand sanitiser on.
* Turns around to see kid licking himself like a cat.
[spider party]
black widow: oh yeah looks like there are lots of edible bachelors here
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
Just realized that the group therapy I attended weekly for three years was actually the waiting room of a local optometrist.
MURDERER: could a murderer do THIS? *defendant proceeds to not kill anyone*
JUDGE: he’s got a point