@NoChillPosts

BAD LUCK LUKE

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@fart

what’s cool about Mitt Romney is that when you put politics aside he’s still a genuinely detestable person

@panmidwest

i just bought a used car and the owners left their “baby on board” sign in it. i don’t have any children so i just wrote “former” on it

@JocMaxedOut

I follow so many accounts that have these amazing inspirational quotes and I’m over here like….
“I need coffee”
“Wine is my bestie”
“My kids are weird”
“Laundry sucks”

So here’s my inspirational quote:
Fight like you’re the third monkey trying to get on Noah’s Ark.

@WilliamAder

If I had known “cuties” were little oranges when my wife asked me to “bring a few home,” I could have avoided these awkward introductions.

@pixelatedboat

Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?

@funnybeachgirl

2 goldfish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says “YOU MAN THE GUNS, I’LL DRIVE!”

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

(I’m not deleting this)

@Reverend_Scott

Disney’s Aladdin taught me that as long as you have a foundation of lies, actual magic, and one of you is rich, a relationship can work.

@Mr_Kapowski

*sees Deer Crossing sign*

*further down the road sees deer nailed to crucifix*

“Oh wow, they weren’t lying”

@ElgatoEsmio

[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]

[rubs Genie bottle]

“can you hook me up with some wifi?”

@SlabBaconBP

I hate when I accidentally say “I love you” instead of “I’m biologically driven to want to reproduce with you & I’m temporarily delusional”