[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
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Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
On my way to Mordor
you nerds need anything?
Someday a baby’s first words will be “Please take this Ramones shirt off of me, I don’t like their music and this shirt implies that I’m a fan”
Cool shirt 🙂
You know you’ve really messed up when your teen stops you mid sentence with “Dude. No” then follows it up with “Duuuuuude. Stop”
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Wife [who turns 50 tomorrow]: Tonight is your last chance to have sex with a woman in her 40s.
Me: Is it, though?
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Me: I just-
Wife: Blew your last chance, yep.
Still my favorite television listing of all time:
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
I don’t get why you have to call my wife *librarian ignores me while on phone* “your husband is here trying to check out a book about ramps”
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Girlfriend: Are you cheating on me?
Me: You sound like my wife.
An ATM has surveillance footage of me feeding it Kraft Singles, so there’s that.
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
My husband is weird and enjoys drinking things out of jars and last night he 100% looked me straight in the face and said “we should open up our own coffee shop where we serve the coffee out of jars and call it Jarbucks”
37yo husband just bought himself clothes from Hollister. Please keep my family in your thoughts during this difficult time.
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
*Holds an old lady’s hand as I help her across the street*
don’t worry ma’am i’m sure the doctors can sew it back on
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
[1st date]
waiter: can I bring you anything?
her: maybe some Worcestersh–
me: BESTERshire please! Nothing’s too good for–
her: and the check
Sex so good the peeping Tom made sandwiches.
My brother never donates blood because he hates the thought that his blood is having more fun in somebody else than it ever did in him.
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
So honored that @funTweeters chose one of my tweets! I absolutely love that site! #FF
Hey babe, are you a voodoo doll? Because I feel like stabbing you.
If you need a laugh.. 😅