Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn’t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.

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Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.


*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*


And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.



me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.


I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.


It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.


At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.



THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.


Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”


the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂