@rolldiggity

Bad news, guys. Throwing a cat through a wall doesn’t make a funny, cat-shaped hole. Not even close.

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@TheTalkingPipe

Some people wouldn’t understand irony if it beat them over the head with a helmet.

@jimmytorosian

*Buys map of world, pins it up on wall*
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands*
*Visits the middle of the Atlantic Ocean*

@EmissaryKerry

And then the recipe said “booze optional” and we laughed and laughed and laughed.

@MikeMcNeil_

wife: “HOW ARE WE OUT OF ICE AGAIN?”

me: “DUNNO,” I yell from the bathroom; the penguin and I can barely contain our laughter.

@DionneMcNutt

I ran into my ex husband the other day. I could have sworn the light was green.

@Cheeseboy22

It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.

@BrassBallsCJ

At 2am, nothing creeps me out more than the shadowy silhouette of my 3 year old.

@dorsalstream

*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*

THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?

THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.

@Thing_Finder

Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”

@preawsaurus

the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂