Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.

Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.

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My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.


Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all


David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?


Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?


When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”


Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.


I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.


shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once


“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.