@TheMichaelRock

Bad news: I just stepped on the cat.

Even worse news: I think I just created a Nicki Minaj song.

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@CrissySpeaks79

My 7 year old son told me “You’re the most beautiful mommy ever!”

I asked him what he did and where’s he hiding it.

@riotjulesfern

Imposter syndrome: I am surrounded by beings of impossible, cosmic intelligence

Also imposter syndrome: I, an incompetent, have tricked them all

@Tayyxb

David Cameron: “In some parts of Britain there are three generations of families where nobody has ever worked.”

Buckingham Palace?

@Dawn_M_

Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?

@iheartgunts

When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”

@JennyJohnsonHi5

Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.

@_salt_n_lime

I think I’ll start posting my tweets on Facebook so my friends and family will all finally block me.

@FredTaming

shout out to anyone that’s used a tube of super glue more than once

@bornmiserable

“I can’t wait to get inside you,” I flirtatiously whisper to a coffin.