Bad news: I think I may have broken my toe. Good news: the smart car I tripped over will be alright.
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This might be the most effective pickup strategy I’ve ever seen
One normal thing I like to do on my my lunch breaks is go on Zillow with my 20 million dollar budget and my f***ing delusions
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Me: Why isn’t the water working?
Kid:
Me:
Kid:
Me:
Kid: I shut it off to practice being a plumber
Me: There it is
My girlfriend does not want to split the gallon of milk I smuggled into the movie theater for us 😔
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
My 3-year-old said she wants her first car to be a garbage truck. She’ll forget about it, but I’m still getting her one when she turns 16.
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
I’m the type of person who thinks he lost his keys while driving his car
Dating sites don’t work for everyone 👎
[friends chatting in back of my car]
“im good at impressions”
how good?
“watch”
in satnav voice: “turn left”
[i drive us clean off a bridge]
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
I hurt my bottom after shaking it at the office party.
It was a twerk-place injury.
We don’t have any popcorn, so I’m just eating butter and salt.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Matthew McConaughey’s name was spelled correctly on Twitter once, and has been copied and pasted every time since then.
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Social media: We’re getting rid of chronological order.
Everyone: NO!
SM: Cool, right?!
Everyone: NO!
SM: Glad you’re excited!
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
An easy way to tell people you don’t like them is to send them a Christmas card with glitter on it.
This guy next to me thinks I’m flirting, but really I’m just trying to see where he parks so I can steal his gas
When my girl was five I was reading to her from a little book about George Washington.
Me: As a boy he liked to ride horses and fish.
Her: He liked to ride fish?!
It’s been nine years but in my mind he’s still riding that big beautiful fish.
Alexa, show me where it all went wrong.