Me, a pilot:
“Folks, we’re about to head into some turbulence as I just discovered my co-pilot is dating my ex. Fasten your seatbelts”
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[at Victoria’s Secret]
*folding panties on table*
“Sir, where are the fitting rooms?”
Oh, I don’t work here.
*continues folding panties*
NPR Presents “8-Armed Bandits: Why Octopi Can’t Be Trusted”
– a cephalopodcast
Two strangers on the subway just got into a political argument and now I can see they’re each writing Facebook posts about it
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
Selfie attempt: come hither look
Selfie result: looks like I’m staring into a sandstorm
I let my work email inbox get too full and now I can’t send or receive emails. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this sooner.
I feel kind of sad that in some countries children are starving and I’m over here eating spiders in my sleep like a god damn glutton.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
Him: Guess what.
Me: You got me a dozen puppies?
Him: Uh no.
Me: 2 dozen puppies?
Him:
Me: 3 dozen?
Him:
Me: OMG 4 DOZEN PUPPIES?
I dont’t want to die a virgin because that means I’ll have to have sex with terrorists.
Someone just told me she’s been married for 791 days. Is she excited or counting down her sentence?
Each year millions of innocent lives are lost when they accidentally board the wrong plane bound straight for the waiting mouth of a child.
I am so desperate for summer I’m actually looking forward to wasps.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
[dying]
[pop-up message before my eyes] Your life will begin to pass in front of you after this advertisement
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
[knocking at the door]
VOICE OUTSIDE: Open up this is the fashion police!
ME: [furiously flushing bandanas down the toilet] JUST A SECOND
I’m going to freeze some of my sperm so that if something goes wrong later in life, I can kill my nemesis with a disgusting icicle.
The only difference between a psychiatrist and a drug dealer is that the drug dealer doesn’t make you wait an hour.
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
If you’re testing me, we failed.
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
No matter how bad your day is going, take comfort in the fact that it was my dog, not yours, that took a dump in Home Depot.
8yo got mad and retaliated by stomping out of the room and turning the light off on me, so I guess that’s one way to get her to turn the light off when she leaves the room.
*puts ex in Memory Lane*
*revs car engine*
I gave my dog a bath about an hour ago and you should SEE the glares I’m getting