Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
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I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
White Castle for the Win
I’d watch more Olympic figure skating if they had defense
Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
how to exercise your calf muscles
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
It’s cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
” I need you ”
– Me in the toilet roll aisle
My neighbor put alarms in his yard designed to scare squirrels & rabbits but the alarms go off every 20 secs & it’s maddening. He thinks they’re a frequency humans can’t hear (he’s 90 & near deaf). I pulled the batteries & he can’t tell they’re off. Am I going to hell for this?
Normal people flirting: Hey you’re cute we should go out sometime
Me flirting: So do you like bread
Me: I know something we can do tonight 😉
My husband: You superglued your eye shut again and I need to drive you to the ER
Me: yeah ;(
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
HIM: *turning the heat down* You have the heat too high!
HER: *turning it up* No, YOU have the heat too LOW!
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: Stop that, this is my office.
Gazing at nature’s majesty, I am one with the woods. This is where I belong, I muse as I’m drilled with a paintball and promptly eliminated
Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
I just ordered an iced coffee, black, with cream and sugar. Follow me for more just sheer stupidity.
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
Reasons I wish I was an octopus:
1. I could hold every slice of a pizza.
2. 8 votes at the PTA meeting.
3. Stop sign hugs.
me and my buddies are playing “soup fight”. that’s where we each embody a different vegetable and get in a nice hot tub together. and then we fight
diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
*Trying to converse at a party*
Me: Your hair and nails don’t really keep growing after you die- it’s that your skin is receding
Woman: Please stop talking and just make the balloon animals
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
I found a hardcover book titled ‘50 ways to make yourself happy’ . The first and only happiness is throwing that book at some idiots head.
the weirdest thing that happened to me this month was when i got sent a counterfeit pizza hut coupon
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
My wife banned iPads from my kids so my sweet angels stood in the hallway where they thought I couldn’t hear and whispered “Let’s ask dad because he always let us and then we can blame him when mommy asks”.
At least I can garauntee that if I’m murdered nobody is going to pull that whole, ‘She lit up a room’ crap.