Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
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Me, a cop: you’re gonna have to do a lie detector test
Detainee: I mean ok
Me: first question, do you like my outfit be honest
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.
Guy science: The proper amount of time for a pan to soak before cleaning it is until you need to use it again.
It’s nothing serious, we’re not dating or anything, we just sometimes get brunch together, were just Friends with Benedict.
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
*from his room
8: Hey, nothing went terribly wrong!
8’s friend: No, nothing happened!
8’s other friend: There’s just a little blood!
If I’m ever murdered, it will be because I said something absolutely perfect to someone with no sense of humor.
The government be like “please throw your grandma into an active volcano, the economy demands a sacrifice”
Normal people driving by a construction site: wonder what they’re building…
Me: what a great place to bury a body!
Pronouncing baked like naked and naked like baked until someone hits me with a folding chair
For sale: car. Does not stop. You will have to jump in as I jump out. I have been driving this car for three years. Please help me
Nothing quite as humiliating as somebody slow-rolling past your garage sale and not stopping, like “I’m not above buying another person’s junk but just not yours.”
when nothing goes right… go left
I’m so sorry for your loss. Your husband is in a better place now.
“B-but he left me for a-”
-A richer woman? I know. Her house is gorgeous!
Gummy vitamins for dads called Dadgummit.
If there’s a red flag followed by several more flags, all in different bright colors, you got yourself a clown.
Me: I think I’ll go for a run
⠀
My back: oh no, I can’t handle this
⠀
My brain: WHAT THE HELL ARE WE DOING?
⠀
My heart: Nope. I am not okay with this.
⠀
My lungs: I got this guys! *completely stop working*
[someone is rude to me online]
It’s really not worth getting upset over this[someone is rude to my friend online]
Well, I guess I gotta make some stranger cry today
When you marry someone with the same sense of humor as yours you have to deal with the consequences, like when I asked my wife to put on an outfit I haven’t seen yet and she walks out in my gym clothes.
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
Crazy how I started out my life wanting to be Bart Simpson and ended up Millhouse’s dad
I’m not proud of the person I become when there’s a cheese tray at a party.
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
My phone battery dies faster than a black guy in a horror movie.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
Silently watch someone from outside their house 34 or 35 times and suddenly you’re a “weirdo” and “I’m calling the police”
The person in the hotel room above me appears to be getting their 10,000 steps for the day in RIGHT NOW