Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.
Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.
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there are five seasons: reese’s pumpkin season, reese’s christmas tree season, reese’s heart season, reese’s egg season, and the long loneliness
I…do not understand how electricity works.
The opening ceremony for our ribbon repair business was pretty confusing.
To those that put something in a closet, close the door, hear something crash and walk away
You are my people
[Thanksgiving 2020]
Me *crying*: I’m fine, just chopping onions
Him: that’s a carrot
A wet beach towel will dry in about 30 minutes in the sun or 36 weeks in a hotel room.
I put some fridge magnets on my fridge door and now it’s covered in fridges
My wife’s driver license should say “Brain Donor” because she gives me a piece of her mind daily.
FRODO: what is it?
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: *smiles* come on Sam
[literally one step later]
SAM: if i take one more step, it’ll be the farthest away from home i’ve ever been
FRODO: wait no
you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.
Rt to bother an English speaker
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
I like my coffee like my men…not in my colon…
#SCOTUS one-star review
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
Do robots dream of electric sheep?
The first guy to skip a rock was probably all sad and just trying to toss the rock in the pond and was like “well, can’t even do that right”
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
*gets last year’s turkey out of the attic*
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
Developer: We have a problem.
Manager: Remember, there are no such things as problems, only opportunities.
Developer: Well then, we have a DDoS opportunity.
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
Experts warn that theft in grocery stores is on the rise. Uhh ya, last time we checked charging $16 for a bag of brussels sprouts is robbery.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
<enter password>
ikilledaman
<password must contain a number>
*7 hours later*
ikilled2men
Honestly, guys. I’ve got a fox stuck in my washing machine. WHAT THE ACTUAL FOX
[Whole Foods]
ME: Where are all the donuts?
CASHIER: We uh…we don’t sell donuts
ME: Well what other hole foods are there?!
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..