@Cyd10e

Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

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@ericsshadow

WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me

ME: she’s a liar

WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?

ME: [wiping sweat] I love you

@My_Higherness

Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.

@HatfieldAnne

Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.

@_ElvishPresley_

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

@pharmasean

DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
[CUT TO: A BUNKER IN GERMANY, 1942]
HITLER: omfg

@RobDenBleyker

I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.

@myonlymizztake

My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.

@Dutch_50

I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.