Bad News: One of the side effects of your medication is death.

Good News: Death pretty much cures anything.

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WIFE: [crying] guess what my sister just told me

ME: she’s a liar

WIFE: are you saying her dog didn’t die?

ME: [wiping sweat] I love you


Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.


Protestants sing every verse to every hymn. Catholics know this. We think about it when we get to the bakery 20 minutes ahead of you.


WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.


DAD: I invented a diaper that’s also a time machine!
MOM: Where do the poops go
DAD: dunno!
HITLER: omfg


I think if a little girl wants to grow up and be a Tyrannosaurus Rex that’s totally fine, and science shouldn’t stop her.


My experience with organized crime was getting two friends to help me tip a vending machine while I reached up inside for chips.


I always say no to drugs. But, if they ever start deep frying them, I’m in big trouble.