Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
somewhere, in an alternate universe
hi friends- for the new year I’m taking a break from life so I can focus on social media. if you need me you can find me here, constantly
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
Girl if the moon can block the sun, then you can definitely block your ex
Don’t drink and drive, also don’t call frozen yogurt “fro yo.”
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Watching Moana (for the 869th time)*
Me: oh no, who’s going to help Moana?
3: *really angry” not anybody!! she can do all the things by herself
“I would absolutely say I’m an introvert!” – Guy screaming to his table full of friends at brunch.
There is no “we” in pizza
imagine being commissioner Gordon starting out your career with hope then one day there are mutant shark villains and shit spawning every 5 minutes, people are falling in vats of chemicals, you go to a grown man in a bat costume for advice and you’re like why is this my life now.
spot the difference
Me: I’ll have a medium coffee
Barista: That’ll be $3.95
Me: With a splash of almond milk
Barista: That’ll be $17.95
Mission Control: Stand by for launch in 5-4-3
Astronaut: WE’RE NOT READY YET
MC: Why?
Me: [in background] No way man seatbelts are for nerds
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: blurry
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
If I was a sushi chef I’d wear divers gear so people knew it was fresh.
my tamagotchi never lived more than 24 hours at a time sure i’ll hold your baby.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Covid like
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
Day One, living in one of those tiny houses: “Well, isn’t this quaint?”
Day Two: Murder
cop: what happened?
librarian: someone stole $10,000 worth of college textbooks
coo: how’d he do that?
librarian: I think he hid them both in his jacket
[marriage counseling]
Wife: I just wish he wasn’t so clingy
Husband: YOU KNEW I WAS A BARNACLE, LINDA
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.
Saw Dune last night. Man, that is one sandy movie. Up there with the two sandiest movies of all time, Lawrence of Arabia and Grease.
[accidentally glues myself to the side of the house again]
I’m protesting the climate.
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*replaces battery*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*takes battery back out*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
*sacrifices chicken to smoke detector gods*
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
Me: DO IT AGAIN AND I WILL SMASH YOU WITH A HAMMER
Smoke Detector:
Me:
Smoke Detector: CHIRP
PSA: 60% of deaths happen in hospitals which is why I don’t go there