Bad news: pulled a muscle. Good news: implied presence of muscle …
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I’m at my parenting best when I randomly yell out “be careful!” every few minutes without looking up from my phone.
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
Medusa’s hair is made of snakes. Does the carpet match the drapes?
Him: *being flirty* I wish we met when we were young enough to still ruin each other’s lives
Me: *flirting back* I can still ruin your life
Please donate 30$ to my child’s school funrun so she can get a pencil as a prize, thank you
Heck is a place where people go if they don’t believe in gosh
*phone rings*
“Yeh hi who’s this? Sure he’s here hold on.. Drastic Measures! Call for u.”
“Who is it?”
“Drastic Times”
*crowd goes wild*
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Apparently I walked 2700 steps yesterday.
Don’t you get like 2000 just for waking up?
I hate when I show up to a funeral and another guy is wearing the same hot dog costume.
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Watches my wife cut the 2 yr. olds apple juice with water …
*Hauntingly second guesses every drink she’s ever mixed for me now
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
In every scary movie an entity is always coming through a “doorway”.
I’m just sitting here waiting for a dope demon to come through a 90’s bead curtain.
Hot air balloons kick ass. Are they safe? Not really. Can you stop if you don’t like it? Think again. BUT can you steer? Listen don’t bring that negative energy into this wicker basket ok I’m gonna light this flamethrower.
nobody told me when you make a video game you have to make the whole thing
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
Take your ex out tonight (one bullet oughtta do it)
Wrapping gifts and one kid has more than the other so to even it up I hope she likes this bag of potatoes.
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
Lmao the reply
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
Cashier: That’ll be 15 clams.
Me: *opening cooler full of shellfish* Do you have change for a lobster?
Juliet: yo I’m dead
Romeo: same
Juliet: OR AM I…
[during sex]
Me: So do you LIKE like me or
Women: Be smart. Don’t do this.
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS