[interview]
Any questions?
“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”
No about working here
“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”
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*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
I will never own a smart watch. I have enough things telling me what to do.
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Questions about some hypothetical situations.
– Are there any special laws against people who forget to feed their guinea pig?
– Do guinea pigs have vengeful ghosts?
I really just spent $40 on a costume for my dog so I can win a work pet costume contest for a $10 coffee gift card.
Do I regret it? Nope. Karen from accounting and her cat are going down
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
Doctor’s receptionist: Reason for your visit?
Me [covered in roofing material]: I have shingles.
the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
The word “Caesar” has always bothered me. It looks like a and e are mad at each other.
I went to a gender reveal for a litter of puppies and it went: good girl, good boy, good boy, good girl, good girl, good boy.
[attempting Guinness Book of Records for most people mauled by a bear]
ME: Thank you all for coming
37 OF MY FRIENDS: Why r we here again?
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Everyone wants to save the world, but no one wants to do the dishes.
Just bought a new umbrella for the person that finds it tomorrow.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
Everyone thought you could get a writing job from twitter but that never happens anymore its only for things like becoming the president
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
My 3yo made up a song called My Mommy Makes Me Happy When She Gives Me Snacks then asked me for a snack. She’s really good at this.
NO I WOULD NOT LIKE TO KNOW WHAT FRUIT MY BODY IS SHAPED LIKE
My blow up doll has started wheezing and she’s loosing weight rapidly. Getting very concerned.
At what age do kids learn to close doors after they’ve walked through them? I think it might be 29.
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.