Wait one second “Mario Brothers” Implies that Luigi’s name is Luigi Mario and Mario’s name is Mario Mario….What is this I’m smoking again?
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My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
what’s wrong babe? you haven’t touched your shrekfast yet
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
I hate when people say “you always want what you don’t have” like that’s really insightful and not just explaining the definition of “want.”
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
My reaction to winning a billion dollars wouldn’t even come close to my 5 year old’s reaction when I told him that there’s no school today.
11: Mom if you’re sweating in a sweater does that make you the sweater?
Me: Just brush your teeth.
I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs
3yo stood in front of the electric door at the grocery store, kicking it and shouting, “Dammit! Open! Why does no one listen to me?”
I think she’s ready to be a parent now.
Me: in a parallel world I am a huge success
Medic: please stop moving your arm so we can get it out of the vending machine
Feels
cop: thanks for saving us but why is your underwear on wrong
superman: lmao they’re not on wrong
cop:
superman: wait is this wrong
Him: Remember life before kids? We were making moves, taking chances, paid for everything in cash. Ya, we made a few bad investments & did jail time, but man, we had fun!
Her: Are you talking about Monopoly?
Him: Yes. The kids suck at it & I always have to be the thimble!
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
“Apparently she had slaved over her homemade stuffing. At some point during the meal, her brother-in-law announced, ‘I prefer Stove Top,’ and it was then, from what we understand, that the woman snapped.”
-11pm news, tomorrow night
”It looks like that man who seems familiar is waving at me, but is he really?” And that my friends, is what I should have thought before waving back😬
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
I’m my own family, I say as I plow through the family-size bag of barbecue chips.
“I didn’t come here to argue.”
– people who definitely came to argue.
Pass gas, not judgment.
me: someone stole my glasses
cop: what did they look like
me: how would i know
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
I was going to pay the taxi driver with my leftovers from lunch but that wouldn’t be fare to him
Anyone else’s grandma used to slip them a five dollar bill like the mob bribing a witness not to testify?
“…just don’t tell your mother.”
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
7yr old: Mum, what happens if you eat lots of tinsel?
Me: probably emergency surgery to prevent obstruction somewhere in your digestive system.
7yr old: *blank face* *small voice* you get tinselitis.
Him: You put feathers of a crow in this drink?
Me: Yes, I made sure they all came from 1 crow. It’s…
Him: Please don’t.
Me: …single molt