Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
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Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
*At animal group therapy*
Moderator: introduce yourselves please
Fruit bat: I’m a bat that eats fruit …
Honey bear: I’m a bear that eats honey…
Sperm whale: do we have to do this?
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
“Will you make something for the bake sale?” The PTA president approaches me cheerfully.
“Oh, no, last time I baked, I set the kitchen on fire,” I laugh lightly.
Then whisper: “And that time it wasn’t even on purpose.”
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
What do you mean I overthink things (as I wonder if I hurt my dog’s feelings by liking cat videos on Instagram)?
[Conditioning my hair in the shower]
Me: *rings bell*
My hair: *salivates*
Face ID doesn’t recognize me unless I’m chewing
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
[watching Friends]
NIECE: I love this show
ME: aw I loved it when I was ten too *ruffles her hair* you are gonna have such unrealistic expectations for how close your adult friendships will be
Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.
Still looking for the Christmas presents I hid last year.
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
I’m 37 and from the Midwest, every man I know is named Matthew, I’m going to need you to be more specific.
-Me when my mom say she saw Matthew today.
Dude, I know this is Sparta. There’s like a huge sign at the front gates. Why are you yelling at me?
“Jurassic Park” is still my favorite movie about giant electric fences.
If you’re looking for a good time, I’m a blast when I’m alone.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
me: ugh I’m so fat
him: babe no, it’s all in your head
me: oh great, I don’t even know any head exercises
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
Shazam but for whether someone is mad at you
Everyone knows the correct use of a comma when it comes to your bank account statements.
Me: *checking weather on phone*
3: Mommy, are you texting Peppa Pig?
Me:
3:
Me: Yes, we go way back.
Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.