Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
You Might Also Like
[first date questions]
You like meat? I make killer beef jerky with leftover hobo carcasses…and she’s gone
Whatever she’s probably vegan
Drier than a bar of soap after a 7yo has “washed his hands.”
Me: Sorry, I don’t have any alcohol in the house.
Her: Oh, you don’t drink?
Me: No, I drink. I just drink faster than other people…
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
It’s dress up day tomorrow at daughter’s school. Vikings. One of her more eccentric friends – who likes to think outside the box – is going as an oar
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
hmm didn’t realize until coronavirus how shocking it is to walk into a public men’s room and see all the sinks actually being used
My eyebrows are looking ferocious. They’re about to hop off my face & maul someone.
It’s difficult having a 12 year old, a 10 year old and a 7 year old. I can’t decide which to drink.
Jim ate my sandwich.
It was clearly labeled.
Jim’s email is open on his PC.
Jim’s son now thinks he’s adopted.
The sandwich was LABELED.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Walking my dog in his Halloween outfit and a woman walking the other way asked, “Is that a costume?”
I guess I never realized how realistic his shark costume is.
Dated a mime once – God was it good – he did sooooo many ~unspeakable things~to me ….
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
You can make approximately 225 circles in a roundabout before the cops show up
brain: bored
me: lots of stuff to do
brain: tired
me: resting is also good
brain: stressed
me: alright man
Me: *opens a package*
5-year-old: You ordered us bubble wrap!
Me: I ordered the thing inside the bubble wrap.
5:
Me: I ordered you bubble wrap.
I’m no expert, but I would guess the internet really affected encyclopedia sales.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
GOD: I’ve created donuts
ANGEL: ooh they’re yummy but why the hole?
GOD:
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: because they are holy
GOD: because they are holy
Never ask a woman for a massage. She’ll do it for 5 minutes, then somehow trick you into giving her an hour-long one. WIZARDS.
They’re a 10 but they use only the amount of garlic listed in the recipe.
My wife left me for a fisherman.
Poor guy’s still reeling.
[being strapped into the electric chair] Are you mad at me?
Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose
I don’t have kids, but once I was on a plane next to a man and his young daughter, a first-time flier, and as she looked out the window and squealed with excitement, I found myself thinking about how differently things could have turned out if I’d gotten that window seat.
[being dragged out of a Spice Girls concert] AND SPORTY ISN’T AN ACTUAL SPICE EITHER