@TheTweetOfGod

Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

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@fro_vo

CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator

@mattZillaaaa

Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you

@Cryptoterra

NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money

@DanteEvilCat

That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”

@Tmoney68

I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”

@2tickytacky

Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.

@rumsnipe

Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?

@mommajessiec

Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*

@blade_funner

[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.