I feel like Donald Trump and Bill Clinton have a $1 bet that Trump can make Hillary president and Bill can make her not president.
Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.
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Coworker: it’s dark already
Me: I know, Dan. I have eyes
CoW: it’s only 5 ‘o clock
Me: I KNOW DAN
CoW: it’s early
Me: THAT’S HOW EARTH WORKS
Yesterday my daughter asked how babies are made, and I gave such a terrible explanation she now thinks babies come from eggs.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
If you see me shaking in my boots that’s just how I dance ok?!
Hey ghosts, I just updated my kitchen with open shelving good luck slamming the cupboards you nerds
Except you, cauliflower, you have to pretend to be other food.
Why are there stitch marks on zombies? Who’s giving them medical attention?
If you get into a fight with a polar bear, boost your chances of success by requesting a postponement until 2065. There’s a good chance polar bears will be extinct by then so you’ll win by default for just turning up
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.