Bad weather is My way of temporarily punishing you. Bad climate is your way of permanently punishing you.

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CDC: we need 2 million ventilators
STARBUCKS BARISTA: what’s a lator


Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you


NOBODY MOVE THIS IS A ROBBERY! *other robber looks over at me* dude no you can move. We talked about this. Get the money


That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”


I’ve GOT to get a life stenographer. It’d be great to say, “Betty, read back last night so I can see why I put a skillet on my nightstand.”


Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.


Mechanic : your motor is losing power and it won’t last long.
Me : you been talking to my wife bro?


Me: What do you want to do tonight?

Husband: I was thinking we could do what all those young people talk about and Netflix and —

Me: *already asleep*


[infant diary]

Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.