Badminton implies the existence of Goodminton and Alrightminton.
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Been watching Dateline for years and still haven’t met anyone.
If u ask me to baby sit 3 and at d end of d day can find only 1, dat is not a reflection on me as a babysitter.i was nevr gud at maths
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
[before sex]
me: wait have you been tested
him: yea my cholesterol is a little high
“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
if your brain produces saliva you have a patooey-tary gland thank you
Cereal is a satisfying way to start the day if you’re having another breakfast within 45 minutes.
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
Nigella has gone too far this time.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
SCAM ALERT: if on Halloween someone leaves a large wooden horse outside your door, DO NOT bring it inside. it is a TRICK not a TREAT
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
🍛
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
Told my daughters they get to split the inheritance when we die and my 10 y/o asked, “Will you leave me more if I’m your lawyer?” She’s clearly ready for a legal career.
If another mom leaves her kids with her husband to meet you out somewhere and you bring your toddler, that is considered an act of war.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
if i text you “🤩” it means i have a starfish over each eye
ME: You wouldn’t believe these sparklers I got!
SPOUSE: That’s dynamite!
ME: *waiving around the lit fuse* I know! It’s really cool!
SPOUSE: *already running*
*lands on other planet*
“Take me to your pain medication”
I picked the wrong week to start my high altitude balloon tours
Right before you die, maybe yell out something funny, like “hi God- wait a minute, YOU’RE NOT GOD”
“Eww” can be a term of endearment, right?
Parenting Tip:
Place fake present under tree with unruly child’s name on it and when he misbehaves toss it into the burning fireplace
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.