#BadTimeTravelAdvice Plague, shmlague. 13th century Europe is where it’s at!
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The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
I went into a Starbucks with an HP laptop instead of a MacBook and they took behind the store and shot me in the leg.
How many push-ups is too many when meeting your girlfriend’s dad for the first time?
Take on cheese
(Take on cheese)
Take brie on
(Take on cheese)
Camembert
And fromage
My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
I can guarantee i’ll never be a criminal mastermind. Leaving about 237 strands of hair in every room I enter pretty much puts an end to that dream
5 kept asking Alexa what time his friend was coming over today. he was getting pissed when she didn’t know the answer.
dude may be able to work a tablet better than me but it’s good to be reassured i’m still smarter.
If I die at the gym, please add more weights before calling emergency services
I confess, when I asked you to put your feet in this bucket of wet cement, I had an ulterior motive.
Boy, was I disappointed when I found out canoodling doesn’t involve actual noodles.
I ordered a pizza.
I don’t think the guy understood how to get here.
Is it free if it’s 5 years late?
My wife just discovered that Idris Elba playing James Bond was just a rumor and that he has no desire to “dress that fine and fight like that so [she] can watch him.”
Please respect our privacy in this difficult time.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
me: the good news is I got the job. the bad news is I have to wear a suit
her: that’s not so bad
[next day]
me: *putting on a hotdog outfit* wish me luckher: I see
Cop pulled me over and said ” Papers?”
I said ” scissors” and drove off
I won’t get excited until Twitter adds a button that lets me correct mistakes in other people’s tweets.
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
When is gay marriage gonna lead to dog marriage as promised? I’m ready to settle down
I followed the link to your résumé but it brought me to some website called FunnyTweeter..? Anyway Im laughin my butt off, youre hired dude
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
I’m re-enacting Titanic today, I’m at the part where Rose is naked on the couch eating Corn Flakes and watching Storage Wars.
I mean, who hasn’t faked being goth for an entire year just to get out of being a bridesmaid in their sister’s wedding?
Damn girl are you the sun because you need to stay 92,960,000 miles away from me.
Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]