Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex
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She promised to teach me wax on, wax off. Only now my chest is bare, I’m frightened of candles, and pretty sure I still don’t know karate.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
Pro tip: Do your makeup before you start drinking.
Guy waking up in saw trap if Saw was British: right. what’s all this then
Fyi dark walnut wood stain tastes nothing at all like walnuts
i left 11 and 8 at home to run down the street to get tacos. when i came back 8 was out in the yard (3 acres) clipping the grass with tiny scissors. exactly what a drunk person would do.
reverse girlcow, because i’m drunk.
Love this joke:
Apparently one of the symptoms of COVID-19 is having no taste. Looking back on all my exes, I think I’ve been infected for years!
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
imagine being a rooster and just completely losing your shit over the sun rising.
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
My son just told me he’s changing his clock to military time so he can stay up later. He is not a smart boy.
Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
the rocks need my help
I sexually identify as that one escaped cricket who’s hopping around on the pet store floor.
While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”
So many chores, so many kids to do them for me
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
my first dose meeting my second
I’m brave but not just grab any shampoo off the store shelf without smelling it before buying it brave.
“I think I have Ebola.”
“JUST DO YOUR DAMN HOMEWORK!”
Wife: Use the newspaper to get that spider down
Me *reads the news out loud*
Spider *depressed* holy shit
okay but exactly how dangerous are these ducks?
[Casting Meeting]
Director: Did we get Cruise?
Producer: Tom said he’ll do it if we get Willis.
Me: So we’re Cruise in for a Bruce in?
I refuse to have sex with a condom. Last time I had sex with a condom, the condom never called me again.
INTERVIEWER: you got the job when can you start
ME: this year for sure