Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.
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If you subtract all the sex robots those NASA nerds built, the moon landing only cost like eighty dollars.
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
What idiot called it a cow video instead of a bovine?
Oh you thought I sent you that red balloon emoji 🎈 as a happy birthday message?
No.
I meant that I hope a freaky clown tries to kill you.
Celery was created by big dentist just to sell more dental floss.
You are so old, even your blood type was discontinued.
Not to brag, but several of my tweets have been described as ‘unfortunate’.
12: Dad, why haven’t we ever eaten at Applebee’s?
Me: Because I love you.
I was on a date and a Tampax Pearl fell out of the girl’s purse at the restaurant and I got so awkward because I’ve never dated a rich girl before.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
My wife left me for my best friend.
Well, he was just a stranger at that time. He is my best friend now.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
Putting the table into the shower does make it a little crowded but I needed a good spot for my beer
Ikea Employee: I’m calling security
At some point in your life people stopped getting excited when you finished all the food on your plate.
Did it hurt when YOU fell from heaven?
If so, contact the law offices of Leon Molowitz, and get the monetary compensation you deserve!
I love Bounty but even I think this is cursed
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
This why you should mind your business
I only have Facebook to keep track of where everyone I know is going to be, so I don’t show up there.
dating my last boyfriend was like being on the bachelor but not knowing I was on the bachelor
A baby and I locked eyes. I panicked, but thankfully I didn’t cry first. Haha stupid baby, I win.
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
Morgan Freeman: Get busy living or get busy dying
Me: Hell yeah![After spending a week with me]
Morgan Freeman: Which….which one are you doing?
KFC Team Member: Anything else?
Me: More gravy please, I’ll say when[several hours later]
KFC TM: WE’RE GONNA DROWN
M: I didn’t say when
LIBRARIAN: yes over there
ME: do u have any books on time travel
Me: *paddles kayak in circles until someone comes out to help me*
Them: You need some help out here?
Me: Can you bring me a beer?
I don’t think that she is afraid of that tiny cockroach…
… I think she just need an excuse to stand on top of furniture & scream at me.