Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

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My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active


Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.


As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship


yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book


Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…


Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.


[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]



[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.


Found a half empty bottle of salad dressing in the woods. Not sure how kids party nowadays but I don’t think I can hang.