@rhysjamesy

Bae: come over
Me: I can’t, I’m hanging out with your parents.
Bae: my parents aren’t home.
Me: I know. I just… You never listen Susan.

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@Steph_A_Nanny

My left ovary feels sore… like it was working out? I guess I’d say it’s
ovary active

@AngelaEhh

Pretty sure I just kept a closer eye on the pizza tracker than I did my infants.

@deankarrier

As a child I fought naps
Dr: [at couples counselling]I meant, what regrets do you have with your relationship

@crissymilazzo

yesterday i gave my dog a middle part. have not read one single word of a book

@GrandadJFreeman

Girls are like police. Even when they get a hold of all the evidence, they still want to hear the truth from you…

@SuperApple8

Millions are killed each year because they go potty without checking behind the shower curtain first. Be smart. Peep before you poop.

@AbrasiveGhost

[torturing terrorist]

[plays EDM]

[beat rises]

[beat keeps rising]

[beat rises endlessly]

Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING

@Sassafrantz

[lays down]
Me: Feels so good to close my eyes.
Brain: We should think about a fire evacuation plan.

@Hobo_Splendido

Found a half empty bottle of salad dressing in the woods. Not sure how kids party nowadays but I don’t think I can hang.