@MedievalReacts

bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone

Me:

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@T_Longstreth

Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!

@PinkBlotMom

Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.

@ANNIEwayyyy

“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”

~me giving directions

@TheCatWhisprer

I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.

@IamEnidColeslaw

I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks

@sirchutney

Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking

@UncleDuke1969

[job interview]

Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!

@lmegordon

My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@MasterOfFury

Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.