Doc- it appears that you take everything way to seriously. You need to get your shit togeth… Oh no, what are you doing! No! Stop!
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Are these potato chips so much healthier b/c they’re Baked? My brother is baked all the time, and he’s got diabetes.
“Sorry, I forgot to pay attention. But yeah, I have no idea where we are now. There definitely shouldn’t be cows.”
~me giving directions
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
I stopped going to the beach because people kept mistaking me for a corpse and poking me with sticks
Who just rang my doorbell? Its either:
1. A murderer
2. The police
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Him: What’s your greatest strength?
Me: I’m very independent.
Me: Tell him, Mom.
Mom: He is!
My godmother just saw my tweet about sending naked pictures, and she was so excited she posted it to Facebook and tagged my parents. What a time to be alive.
Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*
[2 hours later]
Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U
Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.