There’s no actual reason to believe that eating this entire bag of Doritos will make me feel better. That’s why it’s called faith.
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peep davidson
Wife: could you just run to the-
Edward Scissorhands: you want me to WHAT
I started out with nothing and still have most of it!
Fact.
Boomers: People are too sensitive and need to toughen up
Millennials: People need to care more and help each other out
Gen X: Die Hard is a Christmas movie
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
[parent-teacher conference]
Teacher: Which kid is yours?
Me: I don’t have kids. I just heard the teachers here are hot.
T:
M: How you doin’?
Things that won’t save you:
– Love
– Art
– Books
– Philosophy
– PoetryThings that will:
– Watching a seagull pretend like they’re innocently walking past someone at the beach but at the last second they steal their sandwich and fly away and the person chases after them yelling.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
*sells “no soliciting” signs door to door
When someone begins, “With all due respect,” stop them right there, because that is as good as the sentence gets for you.
kevin is now a local weatherman
Me: Aww, a bear!
Bear: You’re being audited by the IRS.
Me: Oh no, a bad news bear.
Mugger: give me your wallet and you won’t get hurt
Me: *handing over wallet* wanna be my friend?
Mugger: no
Me: *taking wallet back* but you said :’(
Now that Christmas is over, don’t forget to be thankful for all the children in China who made your kid’s toys.
Listen here babe I’m not a mind-reader and I’m also not great at picking up body language so- ok yes that hand gesture I understand
As the fridge door was about to shut, I grabbed pizza & barely got my arm out before it closed.
*Legally changes name to Indiana Jones*
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
This diet is probably gonna end in murder, but still pretty excited. I’m gonna look so skinny in my mugshot!
[job interview]
“So why do you want to be a jeweler?”ME(thinking about using that eye thing to appraise chicken nuggets): I love rubies
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
Dating is just wondering why some people are single and figuring it out.
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
I hired an insecurity guard. He said
“I hope you feel safe rn cuz I don’t know if I’m right for the job.”
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
The lead singer of Chumbawamba died earlier today. During his autopsy his body got knocked down…and that’s when things got interesting.
I have so many questions.