After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.
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If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“can i dim the lights
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
*Boss approaches desk*
“What the fu..”
Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers
I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.
I like my women like I like my coffee
Overpriced and bitter