@MedievalReacts

bae: come over

me: I can’t I’m in 16th century Japan

bae: im home alone

Me:

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@marknorm

After learning about hieroglyphics, it makes you realize that Egyptians invented the emoji.

@thatUPSdude

If people knew just how many fake arguments I win when I’m in the car by myself, they would think twice before ever picking a fight with me.

@MrSpoonicorn

“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights

@ClichedOut

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

@Mr_Kapowski

*Boss approaches desk*

“What the fu..”

Me, wearing paper clip necklace – “See? I knew you’d be mad so I made you one too”

@AcrimoniousClwn

Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.

@Mr_Kapowski

The only problem with winning concert tickets from a Pepsi lid is that you will be attending a concert with a bunch of Pepsi drinkers

@badbanana

I’ll be celebrating my birthday the traditional way, by barging naked into a room full of strangers and crying.

@UncleDuke1969

ME: Waiter!
WAITER: What’s wrong?
ME: I ordered the alphabet soup.
WAITER: What’s the problem?
ME: How many letters are there?
WAITER: Twenty six, sir.
ME: Well, this soup only has bees.