Bae: come over.
Me: I’m doing the podcast.
Bae: come over.
Me: nah, I’m doin the podcast.
Bae: my parents are out.
Me: they can download it.
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If a gifted child is put up for adoption, is he a regifted child?
Be the reason someone gets out of bed in the morning, even if it is just to make sure the door is locked.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
“Your mother and I are separating but it’s not your fault, we love the three of you very much.”
“There are four of us.”
“You heard me.”
My son asked me to teach him how to tie a tie but I thought it was just easier to give him the already knotted tie that has been handed down by the men in my family for generations.
[Paul Revere’s Midnight Ride on a pogo stick]
“The”
*bounce*
“British”
*bounce*
“are”
*bounce*
“coming!!”
*bounce*
*bounce*
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
Told my kid I was going to check her room because she told me she cleaned it, and she negotiated a five minute head start in case she “missed something.”
[literally every petting zoo]
Zookeeper: wanna pet a goat?
Me: [shrugs] I guess
Zookeeper: k cool. Cuz we got, like, 90% goats here.
CINDERELLA: my parents r dead
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: im being abused
FAIRYGODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA: i need a new outfit
FAIRYGODMOTHER: hi
You think it’s easy being a tall woman with a wide body this time of year? Do you know how many familys try to kidnap me and use me as a Christmas tree????!!!!
Just got a cramp in my side so that’ll teach me for getting off the couch.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
Friend: “I just blew a speaker in my car.”
Me: “Which kind?”
Friend: “Motivational.”
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
BOSS: you’re fired
ME: please give me another chance, I’m struggling to put food on the table
BOSS: that’s the problem…you’re the worst waiter I’ve ever hired
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
“don’t invite a vampire into your home” buddy i don’t invite anyone into my home.
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
Did Counting Crows ever give us a total number of crows
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
[Shipwrecked diary]
Day 1: I found a pen, and a notebook to write in. More pens. I might be in a Staples. Printer paper. I’m in a Staples.
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
I was only mildly famous in the ’90s but vaccinate your kids
I’m so poor, the ducks are throwing bread at me.
#RubbishJokes #DadJokes
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
Woke last night to the sound of thunder, that last bean burrito was a blunder 🎶