Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours
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Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
For once I’d like to get kicked INTO a bar
I think the nerdiest part of World War 1 has to be the artillery gunners, furious doing trigonometry in the background
5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
GRANDPA: I have shrapnel stuck in my head from World War II
ME: I’ve had that Chumbawamba song stuck in my head since 1997 so I feel ya
Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
The first person you think of when you wake up is the one. So anyways, my soulmate is 5 more minutes of sleep.
I’m not real sure if my neighbors are having sex or playing ping-pong in flip-flops and shouting in Russian
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
I love pictures of my children because they don’t talk back.
Today a guy at the bus stop said, “Lovely weather, huh?” and I just started running cuz I didn’t know the answer.
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
As soon as I walk in, I can feel every woman at the gym dressing me with their eyes.
[At crime scene]
Detective: You need to take this seriously
Me: I am
*picks up leg bone*
Me: I found this humerus. Lol.
D: You’re fired.
I shouldn’t repeat idle gossip from the neighbors but I just heard arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf arf
If you’re feeling down, just think of the person for whom your ex is a step up, and be grateful.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Me: I picked out a pricy rock I think you’ll like
Her: You mean you’re finally going to propose to me?
M: I was talking about your headstone
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
Interviewer: “Is this glass half empty or half full?”
Guy: “It’s completely full.”
Interviewer: “You’re hired. Welcome to Lay’s.”
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
him : can you name the shapes?
me : sure. Sue the square, Trevor the triangle, Richard the rhombus, Harry the-
him : no I didn’t mea-
me : …Harry the hexagon
him: will you just st-
me : Dave the dodecahedron
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
Her: Is my new concealer working?
Me: Who said that?
Someone: your tweet is unnecessary
Me: *gesturing at Twitter* PLEASE TELL ME WHAT PART OF THIS IS NECESSARY I’LL WAIT
I wonder how many other Sandy’s have come into men’s lives and taken their cars and houses, too.