My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
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I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
Always curious what makes people become sober. A guy told me turned sober after he woke up two hours away from his home in a strange home with two naked women. And I was like… I gotta drink more.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
My wife is trying to turn on Alexa but keeps calling her Siri haha now I don’t feel as bad about last night.
he chose this
My son is teaching himself Christmas songs on the trumpet, proving things can be both beautiful and annoying.
In 1999 this man was asked to reenact his recent lottery win for TV and ended up winning again on camera
[lost in Spain]
Wife: ask that man where we are
Me [pretending to speak Spanish with a local]: gracias
Wife: well?
Me: we are in Spain
Not wasting my time reading anything an author puts in parenthesis. If it’s not good enough for the main text I don’t need it
Woke up with morning Yule Log
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Me: Your wifi isn’t working
Dad: Well, it’s right next to you!
Me: Yes it’s obviously something I’m doing wrong. I’ll wifi harder
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
How is this not always the biggest story of the day?
fixed it
friend: you’re saying an alien pulled you onto his ship, examined you, and threw you back?
fish: that’s exactly what I’m saying
which is the Beyonce song where it’s like we’re independent but also you should marry us but like we’re super-strong but also pay our bills
[Me]: What’s a snowman’s favorite drink?
[Bartender]: idk
[Me]: Brrrr-bon lol
[Bartender]: …
[Me]: jk snowmen don’t drink they aren’t real
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
For a good time go up to strangers and mistake them for unattractive celebrities.
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
[Jaden Smith at aquarium]
“…any questions?”
Do Crabs Think Fish Can Fly?
“No”
What If Our Air Is Just Bird Water?
“Huh”
How Can Birds Be R
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
On a scale of 1 to ‘Maxi pad with wings’
How self-absorbed are you?
2020 became the year I purchased a printer and remembered that printers are the hardest problem in computer science.
While humans carry out social distancing, a group of 14 elephants broke into a village in Yunan province, looking for corn and other food. They ended up drinking 30kg of corn wine and got so drunk that they fell asleep in a nearby tea garden. 😂❤️