bae: come over
me: can’t, in self isolation
bae: my parents aren’t home
me:
You Might Also Like
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day
Umm..I don’t want to be “that inmate,” but could you tell the chef that this needs more salt.
ok here’s the deal. Yes it was dumb of NASA to ask Sally Ride if she needed 100 tampons for a 7-day mission, but I would have said “Actually I need 250” because that’s free tampons from the government, babbbbyyy.
you stereotypes are all alike
DATE: So what do you do?
ME: I race cars.
HER: That’s so cool. Have you won many races?
ME: No, the cars are much faster.
Me: [cleaning the house for hours…finds the beloved toy my son “lost” and hands it to him]
9 y/o: Dad! Look what I just found!Sir I-
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Stop telling people to cut toxic relationships out of their lives! I’m starting to run out of friends you guys.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
*walking into store*
Him: You need a cart?
Me: No, I’m just getting 2 things.
Him: *rolls eyes, grabs cart*Marriage level: Expert
I saw my friend’s kids at Walmart and they told me they were lost and I was like “good luck guys” and walked away. I’d be a great mother.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
Wife: what are you doing
Me: teaching the dog poker
Wife: where are your pants
Me: *shuffling cards* lost em two hands ago
Squid Game, but it’s me giving my cat a bath.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
I just yelled “ACKNOWLEDGE MEEE!” at the automatic sensor in the sink faucet if anyone is wondering how stable I am today.
People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Me: I’ve always said I’d never get married again but there is one man that has changed my mind and that’s…
Him: Wow. *gets on one knee*
Me: …Mr. Bean
Cop: anything in your pockets I should be aware of?
Me: I don’t think so
Cop: *pulls out egg*
Me: what lol
Cop: *pulls out another egg*
Me: wait how are you doing that?
Cop: *pulls out third egg*
Me: ok mister
Cop: *pulls out egg carton*
Me: what a fun time we’re having
i always feel slightly dishonest ticking the “i’m not a robot” box because how do i know, how does anyone know for certain
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Nothing says “thought of you, and masturbated” like ‘liking’ a girl’s Facebook photo from 2009.
Exorcist: I’m here to remove the demon that has possessed you
Me: I didn’t call you
Demon: I did
Sorry I misunderstood BYOB, what should I do with this buffalo?
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”