Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.
bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
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Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?
Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.
“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise
Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.
*watches Charlotte’s Web*
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Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror
My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.
How do we dissolve her parental rights?
Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad
*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*
Me: h-how are you smoking??
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Mistakes married women make:
1. Assuming he heard you.
2. Assuming he understood you.
3. Assuming he’ll remember.
4. Marrying a man.