@vinnycrack: bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight
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@WhatsHerFace33: A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed! Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
@Storminika: A cop just pulled me over -- asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, 'Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car'
@ElgatoEsmio: SOME DUDE IN A LAB IS WORKING ON BRINGING THE PTERODACTYL BACK TO LIFE SO ENJOY THOSE EVENING STROLLS WHILE YOU CAN!
@ficklenuts: Friend 1: If I ever get married again, it’s going to be for love. Friend 2: Well if I ever get married again, it’s going to be for money. Me: If I ever get married again, it’s because I’m an idiot.