@vinnycrack

bae is acting so cute and imaginary tonight

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@marebytes

Maybe my mom was right all those years ago. Maybe I won’t be happy until someone loses an eye. Maybe that’s what’s been missing.

@noduffers

Is there anything less intimidating than a cop on a bicycle?

Wobble on, agent of justice, wobble on.

@JohnLyonTweets

“This sunscreen smells like eggs.” -me, drunk at the lake and smearing myself with mayonnaise

@sjredmond

Rocket Man vs. Rockhead Man. An epic battle of two Superzeros.

@psybermonkey

*watches Charlotte’s Web*

Netflix: you might also enjoy…
Babe
Peppa Pig
Season 1 episode 1 of Black Mirror

@SaltyCorpse

My mom just text me she made hash browns out of cauliflower.

How do we dissolve her parental rights?

@Megatronic13

Me: I better make banana bread before all the bananas go bad

*walks into the kitchen to find the bananas wielding switch blades*

Me: h-how are you smoking??

@Breadery

Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.

@Reverend_Scott

Mistakes married women make:

1. Assuming he heard you.

2. Assuming he understood you.

3. Assuming he’ll remember.

4. Marrying a man.