bae:come over
me:The Incredibles is on tv
bae:my parents aren’t home
me:it’s limited commercials
bae:i need u
me:he can’t find his supersuit
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I wish my therapist followed me on Instagram so she could see that I baked a cool loaf of bread, proving that I’m fine and there’s nothing wrong with me.
If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.
*Turning off led flashlight.
Led flashlight: hahahahaha
I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
Grant me the serenity to supernaturally change the things I cannot accept.
[mission]
CMDR: Did everyone sync their watches?
ME: Yeah and now it doesn’t work
CMDR: What? Let me see
ME: I can’t…it’s in the sink
Never judge someone because they sin differently than you.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
Kmart is closing 108 stores putting 16 cashiers out of work.
The first thirteen years on Twitter are the hardest
What helps a pedophile walk and do his job?
A Candy Cane.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
I asked my imaginary girlfriend, Delores, to change her name.
He said he wanted to “put more than just words in my mouth” and I was like “I hope you mean hamburgers.”
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I just ate 27 gummy vitamins. Come at me Covid.
“It’s ok to double dip if you eat the whole bowl of chips & salsa by yourself!”
I shout as I swat my date’s hand away
“Blind dates are fun!”
My son scared his sister while she was brushing her teeth
She turned around screaming and spit out the contents of her mouth all over his face
He started screaming in horror bc his mouth was open.
3 walked in and started screaming bc he wanted to join in
How was your morning?
Me: *dies*
My kids: *taking out Ouija board*
H-I
M-O-M
W-H-A-T
A-R-E
Y-O-U
M-A-K-I-N-G
F-O-R
D-I-N-N-E-R?
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
My cat sat up from a dead sleep and stared, frantic toward the empty basement laundry room so I guess I’ll be buying a new house now.
If you’ve been reading a book for more than a month you are in a relationship with that book and now you have to say hi to it when you come home
But if I go out, who is going to stick their finger in the cat’s mouth and ruin his yawns?
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
Teacher: What were Romans doing in year 400
Me: IDK, Roming?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
You attract more men when you smell like butter, sautéed ham and onions than any expensive perfume.